Déjà Vu All Over Again

I was so sure reality TV had hit it’s all time low when `Playing it straight´ was on. For those who have missed it (bless you!) ´Playing it straight`, or as it was called in the Netherlands ´Recognize the homo´, was a dating show, with a twist. One girl, type: extremely stupid, asked FOX to set her up with a man. FOX said `Sure! But we’re gonna make it a bit harder for ya!` and instead of getting men that really want her, they get a bunch of men of which a certain number is gay.

I know, FOX is so wild.

The girl then gets what felt like seven hundred (but what might have been a little less) weeks to figure out which man is gay and which isn’t. At the end of each show she has to eliminate two men and at the end of the series she is left with one guy. If that guy is straight they both get 1 million dollars, if the guy is gay he gets 2 million and stupid girl gets nothing.

Stupid girl was allowed to test the guys (who looked like they all almost got the cowboy gig in the Village People) by making them do things and observe. So the men were expected to run away from horses (running, that one thing gay men famously cannot do!), kiss the stupid girl (kissing women without throwing up and running around screaming, that other thing gay men famously cannot do!) and chopping wood (insert own joke here, use at least one reference to ´wood´). In the end stupid girl picked a straight guy whose arm was broken earlier on (don’t ask) by a gay guy (go team!) and so dumb and dumber and the straight guy shared 2 million dollars.

Now, if you’re American you probably didn’t know all that, because the show got cancelled in the U.S. after only one episode. That’s right: ´Playing it straight´ was that rare piece of crap even Americans really didn’t care about. As said, in the jungle that is Dr. Phil, Oprah, Real World, Survivor and Friends (oh they fooled you too thinking those weren’t real people didn’t they!) I considered that to be the worst piece of reality TV ever.

Enter `Amish in the City´, a show so ridiculous you wonder how much cocaine people actually do use while making up ideas for television these days.

In this show a bunch of hip and happening (and by using the words `hip and happening´ I have just proved that I am not one of them) 20 somethingers get to share an amazing house somewhere in some American city with…. Amish 20 somethingers. So far I have only seen 30 minutes of this show, but I expect lots of fights, some sex and Amish people getting surprisingly bitchy and mean on the asses of the hip people. Also, I demand more shots of the blonde stupid looking Amish guy chopping wood without his shirt on.

Anyway, we’ll see if this show can live up to it’s badness, but in the meantime let’s see if I can come up with some suggestions for next years reality TV formats that are even worse than this one;

I´m so going to fire my agent when I get out of this dump – Show featuring have been celebrities from earlier Survivor and Real World series stuck in one room with David Hasselhoff for seven months. Interesting? No, but anything that keeps David Hasselhoff from releasing that scheduled rap album of his is worth it. Most boring moment? David telling for the 50000th time that Kit was totally his idea. Most dramatic moment? The point where the former Real World stars realize they are actually less interesting than David Hasselhoff.

Taliban in the Red Light District – Shot on location in Amsterdam’s red light district. Taliban warriors get to spent four months living next door to Betty Sue and her friends. Expect red lights, lewd comments and explosive situations…. Literary.

Playing it gay – 10 guys, plus one gay guy who gets to eliminate them. But some of them are straight! Exciting? No, but will you watch it? Damn right. Expect lots of pondering on why four guys have beer bellies and bore the rest of the group (and the world) with constant bickering on football, cycling or (even worse) car racing. Also, expect old clichés about gay men to be repeated 24/7. Stolen from ´Playing it straight´? I resent that suggestion!

There ya go! And that just took me 3 minutes! I expect royalties to start flowing in any moment now.

PS. Rupert Murdoch: Call me!