A small update on my previous post; after a day of delibirating the Dutch cabinet has decided to strip the below mentioned "minister" from her main job (being unhumanely to people and kick them out the country) and replace that with looking after annoying 12 year olds with a drinking and anger problem.
So, technically she is not as politically dead as I was celebrating in my post below, but her decision to stay in the cabinet despite being degraded and have her policies be turned around by the attorney general (who took over the above mentioned job) have now changed her nickname from "Iron Rita" (I kid you not) to "Rubber Rita" (I kid you neither).
Showing posts with label Politics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Politics. Show all posts
Friday, December 15, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
The Wicked Witch
(ahum)
You may ask yourself, "why is Boris singing?". You may also ask yourself, "why is Boris singing a song from The Wizard of Oz? Can he get more gay?". Concerning that second question; f#ck you. Concerning that first question, I shall explain.
Among her latest greatest hits was an episode where a Chinese women and her toddler son were imprisoned. The woman was scheduled to be deported and was given the sensitive choice of taking her son with her to jail, or let him stay with a foster family unknown to her, she choose the first option. Supporters of Mrs. Verdonk like to point out that it was the woman's own choice, but anyone with any sense or heart would know that you can not realistically expect a parent to chose between those two evils and the entire idea of a society considering the choice of putting todlers in jail is disgusting.
So please forgive my merryness but after three years of absolute insanity I can not help but sing, loudly, proudly and happily:
Ding Dong' the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low!
Ding dong!
The Witch is Dead.
Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch!
The Wicked Witch is Dead!
You may ask yourself, "why is Boris singing?". You may also ask yourself, "why is Boris singing a song from The Wizard of Oz? Can he get more gay?". Concerning that second question; f#ck you. Concerning that first question, I shall explain.
Yesterday evening Dutch parliament practically send home Rita Verdonk, the minister in charge of "everything-concerning-foreign-people-in-this-country". The woman (and I use the term loosely) has been an absolute disgrace since the moment she first entered Dutch politics. Her previous job was running a prison, and from that experience she's been left with the charm and human emotions usually reserved to rocks.
After a detention center near the Amsterdam airport burned to the ground and left three illegal immigrants waiting for deportion dead, Mrs. Verdonk was the first to announce that everybody had worked "adequately" and that her department would look after the traumatized survivors. Later investigation would prove that 1) everything was most definetly not adequate and 2) the survivors were transported from one prison to another, strip searched and dumped in jail cells without any kind of psycholigical or even physical support.
Among her latest greatest hits was an episode where a Chinese women and her toddler son were imprisoned. The woman was scheduled to be deported and was given the sensitive choice of taking her son with her to jail, or let him stay with a foster family unknown to her, she choose the first option. Supporters of Mrs. Verdonk like to point out that it was the woman's own choice, but anyone with any sense or heart would know that you can not realistically expect a parent to chose between those two evils and the entire idea of a society considering the choice of putting todlers in jail is disgusting.
So please forgive my merryness but after three years of absolute insanity I can not help but sing, loudly, proudly and happily:
Ding Dong' the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low!
Let them know The Wicked Witch is dead!
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Dear John Bolton (2)
Hey Johnny!
It's been a while since my last letter and a lot has changed since then. Unfortunately, nothing concerning your facial hair... honestly John, did you even read the thing?
It was a bit of a dissapointment to hear that you decided to resign as U.S. embassador to the United Nations. After all, I do - in one way or another - consider myself to be your mentor. Obviously not a proud mentor, more one of those mentors who look around apoligetic and say "I know, I know, he just won't listen" to people. Actually, I think you didn't even use the chocolate chip cookies suggestion (and that hurts, buddy).
Anyway, it was clear after the Democrats won the mid-term elections last November that your UN days would be over. Considering that the Senate would not even confirm you in 2005, aka the days that Republicans were still in charge, after the Democrats won so much, politically you were as dead as your hair.
But what about your future plans? I have no idea how old you are and chopping you down to count your inner rings seems crude (I joke obviously, all we need to do is check the length of your nose hairs) but it seems to me you still have some time to go before you'll draw your last conservative breath. Normally, former U.S. politicians write a few books, or go on a speeking tour, but let's be fair my friend: who would pay to see you explain why you were a good UN ambassador?
But fear not, as usual I have the sollution.
Despite my campaign to get Bruce Springsteen, Jerry Falwell and you to assasinate Michael Bolton, he is still alive and kicking. Although this is of course a dissapointment of sorts (cookies, hair, Michael Bolton... the list of your failures is getting awfully long), I think it is also an opportunity for you.
Yes indeed: Michael Bolton and John Bolton on tour!
It's perfect! You both have weird hair, I can't stand either of you (dissapointed mentor mode) and the idea is just freaky enough it'll grab enough people's attention. You can end your active carreer as the freak show you unknowingly always were. All I ask is 15% of the net income of the tour.
Call my people if you're interested.
Boris
PS. SHAVE!
It's been a while since my last letter and a lot has changed since then. Unfortunately, nothing concerning your facial hair... honestly John, did you even read the thing?
It was a bit of a dissapointment to hear that you decided to resign as U.S. embassador to the United Nations. After all, I do - in one way or another - consider myself to be your mentor. Obviously not a proud mentor, more one of those mentors who look around apoligetic and say "I know, I know, he just won't listen" to people. Actually, I think you didn't even use the chocolate chip cookies suggestion (and that hurts, buddy).
Anyway, it was clear after the Democrats won the mid-term elections last November that your UN days would be over. Considering that the Senate would not even confirm you in 2005, aka the days that Republicans were still in charge, after the Democrats won so much, politically you were as dead as your hair.
But what about your future plans? I have no idea how old you are and chopping you down to count your inner rings seems crude (I joke obviously, all we need to do is check the length of your nose hairs) but it seems to me you still have some time to go before you'll draw your last conservative breath. Normally, former U.S. politicians write a few books, or go on a speeking tour, but let's be fair my friend: who would pay to see you explain why you were a good UN ambassador?
But fear not, as usual I have the sollution.
Despite my campaign to get Bruce Springsteen, Jerry Falwell and you to assasinate Michael Bolton, he is still alive and kicking. Although this is of course a dissapointment of sorts (cookies, hair, Michael Bolton... the list of your failures is getting awfully long), I think it is also an opportunity for you.
Yes indeed: Michael Bolton and John Bolton on tour!
It's perfect! You both have weird hair, I can't stand either of you (dissapointed mentor mode) and the idea is just freaky enough it'll grab enough people's attention. You can end your active carreer as the freak show you unknowingly always were. All I ask is 15% of the net income of the tour.
Call my people if you're interested.
Boris
PS. SHAVE!
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Electification (2): Animalistic
The elections of last week has brought us the following:
- the evil people of the christian democratic party have lost three seats, but remain the largest political party
- the even more evil people of the free-market, anti-immigration, otherthingwitha - inbetweensomething VVD have lost six seats
- labour (my homeboys) have lost a whopping nine seats
- the former mao-ist SP has gained immensly
- a very christian social party has gained three seats
- a very very very scary right-wing xenophobe party led by a guy with weird hair has won nine seats
and
- the "animal party" has entered parliament with two seats.
- the evil people of the christian democratic party have lost three seats, but remain the largest political party
- the even more evil people of the free-market, anti-immigration, otherthingwitha - inbetweensomething VVD have lost six seats
- labour (my homeboys) have lost a whopping nine seats
- the former mao-ist SP has gained immensly
- a very christian social party has gained three seats
- a very very very scary right-wing xenophobe party led by a guy with weird hair has won nine seats
and
- the "animal party" has entered parliament with two seats.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
So long Donny
Donald Rumsfeld resigned last week as secretary of Defense in the US and Craig - I would kill to have that accent - Ferguson of the Late Late Show bids him farewell;
Friday, November 03, 2006
Electification
As you may or may not know, the Dutch will hold elections on November 22 to select some people to pretend to run the country for what supposedly would be the next four years, but most likely will be six months (that is, if our current prime-minister remains in charge; in four years he managed to go through three cabinets).
About 30% of the voters are still unsure about who they will support, but seeing that I pay the Dutch Labour party (PvdA) 2 bucks a month (to.... ehm... get drunk?), it should come as no surprise that I will vote for their sorry asses, even though my expectation is they will lose (that is, not become the biggest party). That leaves just one question open; which of the 80 people on the list of candidates will I vote for?
Yes! You guessed correctly, after the amazing succes of the previous edition, it's time to once again play: Vote who Boris will vote on!
The rules are simple, theres a couple of candidates below, one reader one vote (meaning an expected total of at the most three votes) and the results do not in any way have to influence how I will actually vote. Here's my selected candidates:
Name: Wouter Bos
Nr.: 1
Pros: He's the big guy, leader of the pack, he's down with his homies (including those in da hood), he likes progressive rock, is a vegetarian but does not complain about it, to a certain extent he's quite funny, and lets face it; he's not ugly either.
Cons: Why vote for the nr. 1 guy? It's not like there's any question to whether or not he'll get in. Also, he can be a little over the top.
Name: Martijn van Dam
Nr.: 9
Pro's: his weblog is highly entertaining (well, as far as political weblogs are entertaining, lets be reasonable). also, his picture is even more Wouter Bos-esque than Wouter Bos' own pictures.
Con's: he studied something technical. which is probably why he's on hyves, I hear that takes a lot of computer skills to get on. like, you know, press the keys on your keyboard...
Name: Hans Spekman
Nr.: 17
Pro's: was an elderman in Utrecht for social affairs, and one of his claims to fame was helping immigrants the national government denied citizenship but did not have the interest of actually getting out of the country, by giving them shelter on the budget of the city - making sure mothers and children don't have to wander the streets is apparently a Labour thing too.
Con's: has been nominated twice so far for the Worst Dresser In The World award. So far he has lost, but he's confident he'll win it next year. Finger's crossed Hans!
Name: Roos Vermeij
Nr.: 32
Pro's: Studied history. Also, she's a woman.
Con's: She studied it in Leiden. Also, she's a woman.
Cast your ballots before November 20th people!
About 30% of the voters are still unsure about who they will support, but seeing that I pay the Dutch Labour party (PvdA) 2 bucks a month (to.... ehm... get drunk?), it should come as no surprise that I will vote for their sorry asses, even though my expectation is they will lose (that is, not become the biggest party). That leaves just one question open; which of the 80 people on the list of candidates will I vote for?
Yes! You guessed correctly, after the amazing succes of the previous edition, it's time to once again play: Vote who Boris will vote on!
The rules are simple, theres a couple of candidates below, one reader one vote (meaning an expected total of at the most three votes) and the results do not in any way have to influence how I will actually vote. Here's my selected candidates:
Name: Wouter Bos
Nr.: 1
Pros: He's the big guy, leader of the pack, he's down with his homies (including those in da hood), he likes progressive rock, is a vegetarian but does not complain about it, to a certain extent he's quite funny, and lets face it; he's not ugly either.
Cons: Why vote for the nr. 1 guy? It's not like there's any question to whether or not he'll get in. Also, he can be a little over the top.
Name: Martijn van Dam
Nr.: 9
Pro's: his weblog is highly entertaining (well, as far as political weblogs are entertaining, lets be reasonable). also, his picture is even more Wouter Bos-esque than Wouter Bos' own pictures.
Con's: he studied something technical. which is probably why he's on hyves, I hear that takes a lot of computer skills to get on. like, you know, press the keys on your keyboard...
Name: Hans Spekman
Nr.: 17
Pro's: was an elderman in Utrecht for social affairs, and one of his claims to fame was helping immigrants the national government denied citizenship but did not have the interest of actually getting out of the country, by giving them shelter on the budget of the city - making sure mothers and children don't have to wander the streets is apparently a Labour thing too.
Con's: has been nominated twice so far for the Worst Dresser In The World award. So far he has lost, but he's confident he'll win it next year. Finger's crossed Hans!
Name: Roos Vermeij
Nr.: 32
Pro's: Studied history. Also, she's a woman.
Con's: She studied it in Leiden. Also, she's a woman.
Cast your ballots before November 20th people!
Monday, May 15, 2006
Vote or Die
Dutch universities have student bodies. Like most student bodies in the Netherlands, they have no power whatsoever, nobody knows who's in them, what they do all day and if they actually achieve anything. So, a bunch of lazy students (ehm... active students with an interest in their environment) take part in it and the rest of us don´t care. Spins like a kitten on drugs.
One flaw in the situation: the lazy sons or daughters of bitches need to be chosen.
I guess they could have solved it with a game of cards or a duel but that would have been too easy and therefore once a year university wide elections are being held. So far so good, aside from the fact that to have elections you need voters, and that's where the plot thickens.
Last year only 17% of students at the University of Amsterdam voted, and that is one of the lowest turnouts in the country. I believe this is mostly because the Amsterdam student bodies are among the most invisible, although the fact that we Amsterdam students actually have a life (unlike those damn Leiden people) might also play a part.
Personally, I like politics and I feel you should always vote, if only to be able to feel utterly betrayed by your political party the day after the results are announced, but I generally can't be bothered to vote for these student bodies either. Last year I felt guilty and did vote, but I voted on the guy with the nicest smile on the posters so I'm not sure that's how the system is supposed to be. This year again none of my friends are candidates (all: yeey!) so I'm down again to having to pick one of the 40 total unknowns on the different lists.
Crap.
Anyway, I went through all the candidates' descriptions of themselves and managed to pick out two. Since none of the candidates really had any surprising points (more freedom! more vacation! more money!) it's down to looks and general writing skills again.
(drum roll)
Candidate 1:
- pro's; seems to want to make studying more difficult.
- con's: studies language (not a language but language in general), which can't be good. Also, is member of a party that my buddy the Squirrel describes as 'the cool kids'
- not sure yet: makes word jokes
Candidate 2:
- pro's: history student (we's smart folk you know), also made the effort to make up a big comparison between a university and flying an airplane
- con's: made up a big comparison between a university and an airplane
- not sure yet: independent candidate. feels like throwing away your vote doesn't it?
So to make it all as democratic as possible; faithul readers (that would be you Merel and Jari) can vote which of the two and then I'll probably ignore the result but at least we had fun.
One flaw in the situation: the lazy sons or daughters of bitches need to be chosen.
I guess they could have solved it with a game of cards or a duel but that would have been too easy and therefore once a year university wide elections are being held. So far so good, aside from the fact that to have elections you need voters, and that's where the plot thickens.
Last year only 17% of students at the University of Amsterdam voted, and that is one of the lowest turnouts in the country. I believe this is mostly because the Amsterdam student bodies are among the most invisible, although the fact that we Amsterdam students actually have a life (unlike those damn Leiden people) might also play a part.
Personally, I like politics and I feel you should always vote, if only to be able to feel utterly betrayed by your political party the day after the results are announced, but I generally can't be bothered to vote for these student bodies either. Last year I felt guilty and did vote, but I voted on the guy with the nicest smile on the posters so I'm not sure that's how the system is supposed to be. This year again none of my friends are candidates (all: yeey!) so I'm down again to having to pick one of the 40 total unknowns on the different lists.
Crap.
Anyway, I went through all the candidates' descriptions of themselves and managed to pick out two. Since none of the candidates really had any surprising points (more freedom! more vacation! more money!) it's down to looks and general writing skills again.
(drum roll)
Candidate 1:
- pro's; seems to want to make studying more difficult.
- con's: studies language (not a language but language in general), which can't be good. Also, is member of a party that my buddy the Squirrel describes as 'the cool kids'
- not sure yet: makes word jokes
Candidate 2:
- pro's: history student (we's smart folk you know), also made the effort to make up a big comparison between a university and flying an airplane
- con's: made up a big comparison between a university and an airplane
- not sure yet: independent candidate. feels like throwing away your vote doesn't it?
So to make it all as democratic as possible; faithul readers (that would be you Merel and Jari) can vote which of the two and then I'll probably ignore the result but at least we had fun.
Friday, March 10, 2006
Proud
I would like to get political for a moment. Granted I get political a lot (for instance when I call high school friends Nazis, see below) but usually on this blog I keep the focus on American poltics (my hilarious letter to John Bolton for example, see archives). But today I would like to talk about Dutch politics. Americans, English people and Finns (hi Jari) feel free to skip this and go straight to the picture below, Dutchies; this is mandatory for you and I will ask questions about it during the test.
Last tuesday we had local elections here in the Netherlands. During those elections about half of everybody who is allowed to vote goes to a local school or old peoples home and votes on parties that will then, together with other parties, rule their cities or villages for the next four years, screw up majorly and then get reelected during the next local election. The system usually works the same: the Christian Democrats get a lot of votes because their people turn up to vote and the other parties don't because it rains.
In 2002 we had a big political shake up here; Labour had been in power for 12 years and had been the biggest national party for 8 years. Lower middle class people felt the party wasn't listening to them anymore and they got their asses kicked in the local election and later on, after the murder of one of the right wing politicians rallying against Labour, during the national elections a few months later. In 2002 I was not allowed to vote since I wasn't 18 yet and so I had to sit by and watch the Labour party get the shit kicked out of it by the general public.
In 2003, after the government collapsed, we had new general elections and Labour made a huge comeback thanks to the new guy (Wouter Bos) in charge, unfortunately not enough to actually take over government and they've been in opposition since having the right-wing government screw up health care and social security.
Last tuesday we (I say we because I pay them 3 euro a month and I campaigned in Amsterdam) won 617 seats throughout the country, that's about 417 more than we had in 1998 (in which Labour did quite well). I, together with a good friend of mine, was present at the official Labour party where people gathered to watch the results and we was muy happy as the following picture, which was published in the Dutch newspaper NRC shows.
Last tuesday we had local elections here in the Netherlands. During those elections about half of everybody who is allowed to vote goes to a local school or old peoples home and votes on parties that will then, together with other parties, rule their cities or villages for the next four years, screw up majorly and then get reelected during the next local election. The system usually works the same: the Christian Democrats get a lot of votes because their people turn up to vote and the other parties don't because it rains.
In 2002 we had a big political shake up here; Labour had been in power for 12 years and had been the biggest national party for 8 years. Lower middle class people felt the party wasn't listening to them anymore and they got their asses kicked in the local election and later on, after the murder of one of the right wing politicians rallying against Labour, during the national elections a few months later. In 2002 I was not allowed to vote since I wasn't 18 yet and so I had to sit by and watch the Labour party get the shit kicked out of it by the general public.
In 2003, after the government collapsed, we had new general elections and Labour made a huge comeback thanks to the new guy (Wouter Bos) in charge, unfortunately not enough to actually take over government and they've been in opposition since having the right-wing government screw up health care and social security.
Last tuesday we (I say we because I pay them 3 euro a month and I campaigned in Amsterdam) won 617 seats throughout the country, that's about 417 more than we had in 1998 (in which Labour did quite well). I, together with a good friend of mine, was present at the official Labour party where people gathered to watch the results and we was muy happy as the following picture, which was published in the Dutch newspaper NRC shows.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Dear Al Franken,
Hey Al! I know, I know. I thought the entire open letter routine would be over too (especially since nobody cares about them). But, honestly; I haven't posted for a week, tuesday's a slow news day, and I've got the fucking fwu, so bear with me. Basically see it as you making fun of Donald Rumsfeld, it's easy, it's fun, and you can sleep peacefully by the end of the day.
Anyhoo, the reason I'm writing you is because I just finished reading your new book 'The Truth (with jokes)', the long awaited follow up to your 2003 book "LIES and the lying liers who tell them" about... well.. lies. Although the title may fool some, in your new book you're basically doing the exact same thing you did in 'Lies'; talk about how right wing people lie and counter it with the truth.
Well, your truth.
Overall, I have to say; funny. Not always Lies funny, but definetly more funny than Michael Moore funny (but honestly, these days, what isn't?). During certain parts of your book I had a bit of a deja vu feeling (even a deja vu all over again feeling if you will) concerning your earlier material and certain parts I already knew just by following the news.
Mind you, there was some stuff I really liked about the book. Your views on the Kerry campaign, for instance, were pretty darn good (especially on how they decided to make the American people relive everybody's favorite era.... The Vietnam War), I liked your story on how you lived through election night and if what you wrote about Tom DeLay is only true for 20% the man should be in jail for the rest of his life. Oh, and that part where you talk about how you feel about religion and the role your father played in that... tears in my eyes, honestly.
I just have two little pieces of criticism.
First, the title. Now, I agree this isn't really your fault, and I also agree that the title (The Truth - with jokes) is quite funny. So no issues there. The problem is that my beloved bestest friend the Squirrel now adds 'with jokes' to every other word he says to me. If he were to talk about food he might say "Pizza.... with jokes". Sure, our pizzas are usually served with jokes, but I'm afraid this one might stick (we still do the SNL cowbell sketch every week).
Second, and this is sort of the main one; the last chapter, in which you write an open letter to your grandchildren. First of all, open letters, puhlease! So boring. But more importantly; you write the letter from the perspective of the future.
Ouch.
The problem here is, that it's just so painfully awkward. Awkward as in, I'm still trying to get my toes straight after reading it. In the chapter, you talk about how basically the Democrats have won everything after the 2004 election. You yourself even become senator (you live in New York, does this mean you expect Hillary to become president? or are you planning on killing the other senator?) . Then, in the few days between the installment of the new congress and the installment of the new president, you impeach George W. Bush for the fun of it. Also, as of now you have no grandchildren, so you're kind of putting the presure on your kids there.
The problem with the "writing-from-the-future-style" is that you're always gonna be wrong in the end. I mean, look at George Orwell with 1984, man was he wrong with that one! (.... no wait!). More importantly, it's so common. Michael Moore did it in one of his book for instance (and just as awkwardly... I like the word awkward, have you noticed?) and even this particular letter is written from the perspective of tomorrow morning.
Oh, and if you are getting in a fist fight with Bill O'Reilly, could we have video footage of that?
Cheerio!
boris
ps. do you know Michael Bolton?
Anyhoo, the reason I'm writing you is because I just finished reading your new book 'The Truth (with jokes)', the long awaited follow up to your 2003 book "LIES and the lying liers who tell them" about... well.. lies. Although the title may fool some, in your new book you're basically doing the exact same thing you did in 'Lies'; talk about how right wing people lie and counter it with the truth.
Well, your truth.
Overall, I have to say; funny. Not always Lies funny, but definetly more funny than Michael Moore funny (but honestly, these days, what isn't?). During certain parts of your book I had a bit of a deja vu feeling (even a deja vu all over again feeling if you will) concerning your earlier material and certain parts I already knew just by following the news.
Mind you, there was some stuff I really liked about the book. Your views on the Kerry campaign, for instance, were pretty darn good (especially on how they decided to make the American people relive everybody's favorite era.... The Vietnam War), I liked your story on how you lived through election night and if what you wrote about Tom DeLay is only true for 20% the man should be in jail for the rest of his life. Oh, and that part where you talk about how you feel about religion and the role your father played in that... tears in my eyes, honestly.
I just have two little pieces of criticism.
First, the title. Now, I agree this isn't really your fault, and I also agree that the title (The Truth - with jokes) is quite funny. So no issues there. The problem is that my beloved bestest friend the Squirrel now adds 'with jokes' to every other word he says to me. If he were to talk about food he might say "Pizza.... with jokes". Sure, our pizzas are usually served with jokes, but I'm afraid this one might stick (we still do the SNL cowbell sketch every week).
Second, and this is sort of the main one; the last chapter, in which you write an open letter to your grandchildren. First of all, open letters, puhlease! So boring. But more importantly; you write the letter from the perspective of the future.
Ouch.
The problem here is, that it's just so painfully awkward. Awkward as in, I'm still trying to get my toes straight after reading it. In the chapter, you talk about how basically the Democrats have won everything after the 2004 election. You yourself even become senator (you live in New York, does this mean you expect Hillary to become president? or are you planning on killing the other senator?) . Then, in the few days between the installment of the new congress and the installment of the new president, you impeach George W. Bush for the fun of it. Also, as of now you have no grandchildren, so you're kind of putting the presure on your kids there.
The problem with the "writing-from-the-future-style" is that you're always gonna be wrong in the end. I mean, look at George Orwell with 1984, man was he wrong with that one! (.... no wait!). More importantly, it's so common. Michael Moore did it in one of his book for instance (and just as awkwardly... I like the word awkward, have you noticed?) and even this particular letter is written from the perspective of tomorrow morning.
Oh, and if you are getting in a fist fight with Bill O'Reilly, could we have video footage of that?
Cheerio!
boris
ps. do you know Michael Bolton?
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Dear Pat Robertson,
Most honourable servant of God,
How's life? I've been a little busy the past two weeks so I didn't have time to write you any sooner. I was planning to do it a few days ago, honestly. I'm sorry! I understand you're upset, and I also understand that if I'd be gone from this earth oil production wouldn't be harmed in any way, but please, please don't have me killed!
Amen,
Boris
Hi Pat,
Obviously I didn't mean all that. I don't believe in God, so I'll be damned if I believe in you. To me you're just a silly old guy claiming he's talking to God (who doesn't exist, so you do the maths). But I just wanted to know; is this how your life is like these days? Are people afraid you'll throw a fatwah at them too? "Here's your coffee Mr. Robertson, I know I forgot the milk, please don't kill me!!!!'.
To those of you who missed it (must be tough living in a cardboard box btw). Our good friend and evangelist Pat Robertson recently said in his own TV show ' The 700 Club' that if Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez really thinks the U.S. is trying to kill him (which he does) then ", I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war" (which it is). Obviously while saying that, you forgot that Chavez is a Democratically elected president (that is, as Democratically elected as any man can be in South America) and that he's a fellow Christian.
That's not to say that I don't agree with you that Chavez is a bit of an odd fellow and not a really good president to his people. But if that's a good reason to have someone killed, well, I feel for George W . My favourite part of your Kill Chavez rant, was the adding of 'And I don't think any oil shipments will stop'. As Jon Stewart of The Daily Show said 'That's right in line with the 10 Commandments; Thou shalt not kil... if any oil shipments will stop'.
After you proclaimed your fatwah, all hell obviously broke lose, and you responded in your typical Pat Robertson way; deny, attack 'liberal media', be confronted with taped video of you saying what you actually said and then in the end somewhat take it back while the rest of the world mocks you. Hey, if it makes you happy!
Your screw up did give me reasons to go back to the Pat Robertson hall of fame and check out some of your other quotes. My favourites;
"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."
"I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period."
"These girls (Robertson is talking about mothers on welfare) are not stupid. If you want to pay them five hundred, six hundred, seven hundred, eight hundred dollars a month, or whatever it is, to have a baby, they'll have babies. And if they'll stop paying them, they'll stop having babies. It's that simple. It's not heartless, it's not cruel, it's an intelligent use of money (Robertson opposes any form of sex education)".
"It's one thing to say, "We have rights to jobs ... we have rights to be left alone in out little corner of the world to do our thing." It's an entirely different thing to say, well, "We're not only going to go into the schools and we're going to take your children and your grandchildren and turn them into homosexuals." Now that's wrong."
and on number one: your "I totally concur" to Jerry Falwells "The ACLU has got to take a lot of blame for this (Falwell is talking about the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001). And I know I'll hear from them for this, but throwing God...successfully with the help of the federal court system...throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools, the abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked and when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad...I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who try to secularize America...I point the thing in their face and say you helped this happen."
You must be a proud man, Pat!
Anyhoo, I can't write too long; there's children to turn into homosexuals, earthquakes to cause, and women to be lesbianized, and it's a big worls, so you understand I gotta run.
Cheerio!
Boris
How's life? I've been a little busy the past two weeks so I didn't have time to write you any sooner. I was planning to do it a few days ago, honestly. I'm sorry! I understand you're upset, and I also understand that if I'd be gone from this earth oil production wouldn't be harmed in any way, but please, please don't have me killed!
Amen,
Boris
Hi Pat,
Obviously I didn't mean all that. I don't believe in God, so I'll be damned if I believe in you. To me you're just a silly old guy claiming he's talking to God (who doesn't exist, so you do the maths). But I just wanted to know; is this how your life is like these days? Are people afraid you'll throw a fatwah at them too? "Here's your coffee Mr. Robertson, I know I forgot the milk, please don't kill me!!!!'.
To those of you who missed it (must be tough living in a cardboard box btw). Our good friend and evangelist Pat Robertson recently said in his own TV show ' The 700 Club' that if Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez really thinks the U.S. is trying to kill him (which he does) then ", I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war" (which it is). Obviously while saying that, you forgot that Chavez is a Democratically elected president (that is, as Democratically elected as any man can be in South America) and that he's a fellow Christian.
That's not to say that I don't agree with you that Chavez is a bit of an odd fellow and not a really good president to his people. But if that's a good reason to have someone killed, well, I feel for George W . My favourite part of your Kill Chavez rant, was the adding of 'And I don't think any oil shipments will stop'. As Jon Stewart of The Daily Show said 'That's right in line with the 10 Commandments; Thou shalt not kil... if any oil shipments will stop'.
After you proclaimed your fatwah, all hell obviously broke lose, and you responded in your typical Pat Robertson way; deny, attack 'liberal media', be confronted with taped video of you saying what you actually said and then in the end somewhat take it back while the rest of the world mocks you. Hey, if it makes you happy!
Your screw up did give me reasons to go back to the Pat Robertson hall of fame and check out some of your other quotes. My favourites;
"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."
"I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period."
"These girls (Robertson is talking about mothers on welfare) are not stupid. If you want to pay them five hundred, six hundred, seven hundred, eight hundred dollars a month, or whatever it is, to have a baby, they'll have babies. And if they'll stop paying them, they'll stop having babies. It's that simple. It's not heartless, it's not cruel, it's an intelligent use of money (Robertson opposes any form of sex education)".
"It's one thing to say, "We have rights to jobs ... we have rights to be left alone in out little corner of the world to do our thing." It's an entirely different thing to say, well, "We're not only going to go into the schools and we're going to take your children and your grandchildren and turn them into homosexuals." Now that's wrong."
and on number one: your "I totally concur" to Jerry Falwells "The ACLU has got to take a lot of blame for this (Falwell is talking about the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001). And I know I'll hear from them for this, but throwing God...successfully with the help of the federal court system...throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools, the abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked and when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad...I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who try to secularize America...I point the thing in their face and say you helped this happen."
You must be a proud man, Pat!
Anyhoo, I can't write too long; there's children to turn into homosexuals, earthquakes to cause, and women to be lesbianized, and it's a big worls, so you understand I gotta run.
Cheerio!
Boris
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Dear Howard Dean,
Hi! I'm not sure you remember me, but I was one of those people that were on your e-mail list back in 2003. You know, when you still thought you could become president?
Yeah...
Don't feel too bad about that one, we for a moment thought you could too! Obviously in our enthusiasm we forgot a few rules in politics. Rules like: just because you're hot on the internet doesn't mean you're hot in real life. Or: just because you raised the most money, it doesn't mean Dick Gephardt will shut his f-ing face and give up. Or in the same category: screaming during a rally, doesn't always make you look good.
Anyhoo, I'm glad you have a new job! Chairman of the Democratic party. Well done! Now, it's obvious that your style is a little different than that of the guy you're replacing, Terry McAuliffe. For example, people actually know you. And you can actually talk. And you have opinions. And you're not afraid to state them.... And that's sort of the problem, isn't it?
See, in the past few weeks you've been in the news for saying you "hated Republicans", you claimed that most Republicans "never made an honest living" in their life and you also said that Tom Delay should be send to jail (which is probably true, but I don't think you should say it). And then last week you said that "(the Republican party) is not very friendly to different kinds of people, they are a pretty monolithic party ... it's pretty much a white, Christian party"..... Ehm, Howie, to quote Jon Stewart: "It's pretty much a white, Christian nation. Shhhh! They can hear you!".
So I figured I'd give you some advice on public speaking. Now, don't mock it! If John Bolton and Jacques Chirac would have followed my advice they would be in a whole lot less trouble right now (... and I would probably be the prime-minister of France, see below). Anyway, my suggestions:
- whenever you plan on saying anything, ask yourself if FOX news is going to have to spin something with your statement. If they don't, for god sakes don't say it!
- right before giving a pressconference, sing along to some music on your Ipod. You know, calm, soothing songs to relax you and get rid of some anger. Like Rage against the machine or something.
- please don't do the entire 360 degrees head spin and please please don't say that Bush's mother is "sucking cock in hell", you tried it once and John Kerry is still not talking to you.
- and for crying out loud DON'T SCREAM! I know states are exciting but it really sends out the wrong message.
See ya during the next Anonymous Rush Limbaugh listeners convention!
Boris
Yeah...
Don't feel too bad about that one, we for a moment thought you could too! Obviously in our enthusiasm we forgot a few rules in politics. Rules like: just because you're hot on the internet doesn't mean you're hot in real life. Or: just because you raised the most money, it doesn't mean Dick Gephardt will shut his f-ing face and give up. Or in the same category: screaming during a rally, doesn't always make you look good.
Anyhoo, I'm glad you have a new job! Chairman of the Democratic party. Well done! Now, it's obvious that your style is a little different than that of the guy you're replacing, Terry McAuliffe. For example, people actually know you. And you can actually talk. And you have opinions. And you're not afraid to state them.... And that's sort of the problem, isn't it?
See, in the past few weeks you've been in the news for saying you "hated Republicans", you claimed that most Republicans "never made an honest living" in their life and you also said that Tom Delay should be send to jail (which is probably true, but I don't think you should say it). And then last week you said that "(the Republican party) is not very friendly to different kinds of people, they are a pretty monolithic party ... it's pretty much a white, Christian party"..... Ehm, Howie, to quote Jon Stewart: "It's pretty much a white, Christian nation. Shhhh! They can hear you!".
So I figured I'd give you some advice on public speaking. Now, don't mock it! If John Bolton and Jacques Chirac would have followed my advice they would be in a whole lot less trouble right now (... and I would probably be the prime-minister of France, see below). Anyway, my suggestions:
- whenever you plan on saying anything, ask yourself if FOX news is going to have to spin something with your statement. If they don't, for god sakes don't say it!
- right before giving a pressconference, sing along to some music on your Ipod. You know, calm, soothing songs to relax you and get rid of some anger. Like Rage against the machine or something.
- please don't do the entire 360 degrees head spin and please please don't say that Bush's mother is "sucking cock in hell", you tried it once and John Kerry is still not talking to you.
- and for crying out loud DON'T SCREAM! I know states are exciting but it really sends out the wrong message.
See ya during the next Anonymous Rush Limbaugh listeners convention!
Boris
Monday, May 30, 2005
Dear Jacques Chirac,
I'm so sorry to hear the French people said 'non' to the European constitution. Here in the Netherlands we'll be voting on wednesday, and I'm not too sure yet what I'm going to vote, but with you people saying "no" the tension's sort of gone. So thanks for once again stealing our thunder!
Anyway, I'm sure you're wondering why the election went the wrong way, and I think I figured it out. The problem lies with the French people. Ok, I understand this may lead you to shout out "Duh" (or whatever may be the French version of that) to your computer screen, but hear me out. Most of the rest of the world sees the French as pouty people, people that can be pretty darn bitchy from time to time, people who say stuff like, ehm, oh I dunno, "get away from me you filthy Americain! I hope you get a dissease and die!". People, most of us wouldn't describe as extremely friendly most of the time. Put that together and the French seem more like a people that would say "no" to any question in general than "yes".
Conclusion? You should have changed the question! Instead of "Do you want this constitution" you should have asked "Do you not want this constitution?". I guarentee you that if you would have asked that question you would have won. But you didn't... (so you didn't).
Anyway, the reason I'm really writing is because I heard your prime-minister is probably going to resign after this. Which, as we all now, is politician for "I'm-firing-you-but-if-I-say-I-fire-you-it's-gonna-make-me-look-bad-and-I'm-not-going-anywhere-so-you-just-claim-you-resign-and-I-put-on-my-sad-face-and-say-I-can-only-except-that-resignation". And then you'll have to do some job interviews to get a new prime-minister. Which is where I come in.
See, I think I can give you some advice on how to select a good prime-minister. Now, don't bitch it! I've given John Bolton some excellent advice on taking cookies to the security council and shaving so I think I should be able to give you a few pointers.
First of all, I'd go for someone that makes the rest of the world think "Aha! Vin! Pain! Vive la France!" instead of "Oh f### it, it's the French". Someone who preferably wears a straw hat. Also someone who sings chansons. Basically, Charles Aznavour. He's old, he's cudly, he sings nice songs. The only way your good "friend" (*makes wild hand movements when typing "*) George Bush can beat that is by making Tom Jones his seceretary of state (and he's Welsh, so he won't).
Second, in the case that Charles doesn't want the job, test your possible candidates on general intelligence. The way to do that? The globe test. And, yes, I am talking about the famous inspector Clouseau scene. Just make the possible candidates play with a big globe for a moment. The test results should be pretty easy to understand. If they end up with their hand stuck in the thing and it's funny it's Peter Sellers in disguise. If they end up with their hand stuck in the thing and it's painful to watch and you wonder why you payed money to see the movie, it's Steve Martin doing Peter Sellers doing Inspector Clouseau. If they don't get their hand stuck, well, they had far too much practice with this crap and they shouldn't get the job anyway.
Third: speaking skills. Recently I was confronted with the fact that apparently if you want a job that involves speaking on the phone a lot you can't speak unclear (ridiculous, I know). My guess is that the French prime minister is expected to speak in public a lot, so just let them read out a few sentences. Something like "the grain in Spain" or, if you want to, sentences they will actually use. Sentences like "Whatever happened, it's not the fault of Le Presidente, it's all mine!".
Oh and finally, if the guy you're interviewing keeps on yapping on (and on, and on, and on) about photography... just shoot 'm. You're the frigging president, I'm sure you can get away with it!
Au revoir!
Boris
Anyway, I'm sure you're wondering why the election went the wrong way, and I think I figured it out. The problem lies with the French people. Ok, I understand this may lead you to shout out "Duh" (or whatever may be the French version of that) to your computer screen, but hear me out. Most of the rest of the world sees the French as pouty people, people that can be pretty darn bitchy from time to time, people who say stuff like, ehm, oh I dunno, "get away from me you filthy Americain! I hope you get a dissease and die!". People, most of us wouldn't describe as extremely friendly most of the time. Put that together and the French seem more like a people that would say "no" to any question in general than "yes".
Conclusion? You should have changed the question! Instead of "Do you want this constitution" you should have asked "Do you not want this constitution?". I guarentee you that if you would have asked that question you would have won. But you didn't... (so you didn't).
Anyway, the reason I'm really writing is because I heard your prime-minister is probably going to resign after this. Which, as we all now, is politician for "I'm-firing-you-but-if-I-say-I-fire-you-it's-gonna-make-me-look-bad-and-I'm-not-going-anywhere-so-you-just-claim-you-resign-and-I-put-on-my-sad-face-and-say-I-can-only-except-that-resignation". And then you'll have to do some job interviews to get a new prime-minister. Which is where I come in.
See, I think I can give you some advice on how to select a good prime-minister. Now, don't bitch it! I've given John Bolton some excellent advice on taking cookies to the security council and shaving so I think I should be able to give you a few pointers.
First of all, I'd go for someone that makes the rest of the world think "Aha! Vin! Pain! Vive la France!" instead of "Oh f### it, it's the French". Someone who preferably wears a straw hat. Also someone who sings chansons. Basically, Charles Aznavour. He's old, he's cudly, he sings nice songs. The only way your good "friend" (*makes wild hand movements when typing "*) George Bush can beat that is by making Tom Jones his seceretary of state (and he's Welsh, so he won't).
Second, in the case that Charles doesn't want the job, test your possible candidates on general intelligence. The way to do that? The globe test. And, yes, I am talking about the famous inspector Clouseau scene. Just make the possible candidates play with a big globe for a moment. The test results should be pretty easy to understand. If they end up with their hand stuck in the thing and it's funny it's Peter Sellers in disguise. If they end up with their hand stuck in the thing and it's painful to watch and you wonder why you payed money to see the movie, it's Steve Martin doing Peter Sellers doing Inspector Clouseau. If they don't get their hand stuck, well, they had far too much practice with this crap and they shouldn't get the job anyway.
Third: speaking skills. Recently I was confronted with the fact that apparently if you want a job that involves speaking on the phone a lot you can't speak unclear (ridiculous, I know). My guess is that the French prime minister is expected to speak in public a lot, so just let them read out a few sentences. Something like "the grain in Spain" or, if you want to, sentences they will actually use. Sentences like "Whatever happened, it's not the fault of Le Presidente, it's all mine!".
Oh and finally, if the guy you're interviewing keeps on yapping on (and on, and on, and on) about photography... just shoot 'm. You're the frigging president, I'm sure you can get away with it!
Au revoir!
Boris
Friday, April 22, 2005
Dear Jerry Falwell
I have a little phenomenon I’d like to share with you. You see, I’m pretty new to this entire open letter writing thing but so far interesting things are happening when I do write them. More specifically interesting things happen to the people I write to; basically their careers and lives fall apart faster than you can say `Fags will burn in hell` (which is pretty fast).
Let me explain: last week I wrote a letter to John Bolton, the man who Bush wants to be the American delegate to the UN. In it I shared some foreign policy tips with John like the virtues of bringing chocolate chip cookies to high profile international negotiations (It’s a pretty fun letter you can read it below). And now, only a week later, it looks more and more like John isn’t going to get the job.
Coincidence? I think not.
Maybe this hasn’t convinced you yet, so let me give you another example: Monday I was considering writing an open letter to Tom DeLay, the house majority leader and one of the leading Republicans but decided I’d rather watch Dr. Phil instead (you know self searching and all that crap). And now, a few days later, DeLay’s career seems minutes from being over due to a volcano of scandals erupting all over him. Can't you see? The sheer threat of me writing him a letter pulls the trick already!
Obviously this got me thinking. How could these letters, even the ones not send have any influence? And then I had a revelation, which I’m sure you’ll like, it’s totally your thing, I figured out that there’s only one way we can explain all this. I must be the hand of God. That’s right! God has picked me as an elimination force for right wing people nobody likes! Mysterious ways rock!
However this kind of raised a few questions with me and I figured you'd be the perfect guy to ask them to. Now, I know you've just been released from the hospital and you have a heart condition and you're supposed to take it slow and all that but this will only take a sec. You see, in the past decades you've presented yourself as a man who is in close contact with God. You've also presented yourself as hating liberal, pro-choice, pro-feminist, homosexuals. In fact you blamed them for 9/11 (not your best moment, was it?). Which basically means you hate... ehm.. me. So then, why does God give me this power? In fact, if that's really how God also feels how come I live in a nice appartment, have just enough money in the bank to pay for my food and cd's and a bunch of really great friends? And indeed the power to kill people through letters. Which is a power I actually do not really want anyway, but I suppose you don't say no to God, she’s one feisty lady!
Oh that's right I’m sorry, I forgot to tell you: God’s a woman. Well… woman, actually once you look closer she’s in fact a transvestite. But a really pretty one! Oh, and she’s black too. Jerry? Why are you getting all white? Jerry? Stop pounding on your chest! JERRY???
Darn it, I've done it again. Ah well,
Love!
Boris
Ps. Are you in any way related to Michael Bolton? If so could you make him stop?
Let me explain: last week I wrote a letter to John Bolton, the man who Bush wants to be the American delegate to the UN. In it I shared some foreign policy tips with John like the virtues of bringing chocolate chip cookies to high profile international negotiations (It’s a pretty fun letter you can read it below). And now, only a week later, it looks more and more like John isn’t going to get the job.
Coincidence? I think not.
Maybe this hasn’t convinced you yet, so let me give you another example: Monday I was considering writing an open letter to Tom DeLay, the house majority leader and one of the leading Republicans but decided I’d rather watch Dr. Phil instead (you know self searching and all that crap). And now, a few days later, DeLay’s career seems minutes from being over due to a volcano of scandals erupting all over him. Can't you see? The sheer threat of me writing him a letter pulls the trick already!
Obviously this got me thinking. How could these letters, even the ones not send have any influence? And then I had a revelation, which I’m sure you’ll like, it’s totally your thing, I figured out that there’s only one way we can explain all this. I must be the hand of God. That’s right! God has picked me as an elimination force for right wing people nobody likes! Mysterious ways rock!
However this kind of raised a few questions with me and I figured you'd be the perfect guy to ask them to. Now, I know you've just been released from the hospital and you have a heart condition and you're supposed to take it slow and all that but this will only take a sec. You see, in the past decades you've presented yourself as a man who is in close contact with God. You've also presented yourself as hating liberal, pro-choice, pro-feminist, homosexuals. In fact you blamed them for 9/11 (not your best moment, was it?). Which basically means you hate... ehm.. me. So then, why does God give me this power? In fact, if that's really how God also feels how come I live in a nice appartment, have just enough money in the bank to pay for my food and cd's and a bunch of really great friends? And indeed the power to kill people through letters. Which is a power I actually do not really want anyway, but I suppose you don't say no to God, she’s one feisty lady!
Oh that's right I’m sorry, I forgot to tell you: God’s a woman. Well… woman, actually once you look closer she’s in fact a transvestite. But a really pretty one! Oh, and she’s black too. Jerry? Why are you getting all white? Jerry? Stop pounding on your chest! JERRY???
Darn it, I've done it again. Ah well,
Love!
Boris
Ps. Are you in any way related to Michael Bolton? If so could you make him stop?
Friday, April 15, 2005
Dear John Bolton,
Since everybody is sending everybody open letters these days (Dan Renzi writes one every week, David Brock wrote one to Bill Clinton and Michael Moore sends one to George W. Bush every ten minutes) I thought I'd send you one now that the senate vote on your job in the UN has been post-poned. Bummer by the way!
It is true that on my Dutch blog I said I wondered why the Bush government couldn't find any conservatives who didn't have your, to say the least, odd track record on comments on the UN and other countries. And it is also true that I have mocked your hair several times. But as a I was walking home yesterday I thought; they're neo-cons, ofcourse they can't anyone better! In fact you're probably the mildest of the bunch. And hair wise, well, you do suck in that department.
I also wanted to write you to give you some advice on how to act when you do get that job at the U.N.. Sure, I don't have an interesting track record in international negotiations with North Korea but I did take part in a fake UN thing called UNISCA at the University of Amsterdam and I think I picked some stuff up there that you could use in New York. Really!
For instance: use chocolate chip cookies. That's right. Read it again: chocolate chip cookies. When on the last day of the convention we still hadn't finished a resolution fast answers and refraining from making dumb remarks were rewarded with cookies. We went through the entire thing in an hour, even South-Korea (a nice Czech guy who constantly made weird points nobody understood but had a killer smile so I could never really hate him) stayed quiet. They don't teach you tricks like that on angry diplomate school now do they? It would probably also work with muffins or donuts but cookies are easier to carry and less sticky. But seriously wouldn't it be nice to have people think "Yeeey! America is here and they brought cookies" when you walk into the security council instead of "Who's the freak with the hair?"? Me thinks it would.
Second: make sure there are no cameras present when you dance around to R.E.S.P.E.C.T. (or any other Aretha Franklin song for all that matters). Believe me, only Madelaine Albright could pull that one of and you my friend (even if you do change your hairstyle) are no Madelaine Albright. Which is fine by the way, most of us aren't... except for Bill Clinton he's very Madelaine Albright (...or Madelaine Albright is very Bill Clinton.... I think we'll save that discussion for another time).
Third: don't be afraid to be a little mean sometimes. When I was having trouble with France on some stupid proposal of them (I suddenly understood how you people must have felt two years ago) I called the French delegate "arrogant". Not a very grown up move, even though she was it a little, but in the end apparently it did made her think and she withdrew her proposal. See, democracy in action! On a side note I wouldn't get too mean to North Korea, I have a feeling they can do a whole lot worse than you...
Finally on a non-UN related point: shave. Please shave! Unlike what your parents may have told you very few men can actually get away with a moustache and unfortunately you're not one of them (Ethan Hawke is, Tom Selleck at times is.... you're not). However if you enjoy going for the "I'm-about-to-rape-you-in-an-alley" look I've said nothing... (shave!).
So have fun at the vote next week and be nice to Barak Obama, he'll be president one day (probably of a university or a midsized company but president nonetheless).
Cheerio,
Boris
ps. Are you in any way related to Michael Bolton? And if so could you make him stop?
It is true that on my Dutch blog I said I wondered why the Bush government couldn't find any conservatives who didn't have your, to say the least, odd track record on comments on the UN and other countries. And it is also true that I have mocked your hair several times. But as a I was walking home yesterday I thought; they're neo-cons, ofcourse they can't anyone better! In fact you're probably the mildest of the bunch. And hair wise, well, you do suck in that department.
I also wanted to write you to give you some advice on how to act when you do get that job at the U.N.. Sure, I don't have an interesting track record in international negotiations with North Korea but I did take part in a fake UN thing called UNISCA at the University of Amsterdam and I think I picked some stuff up there that you could use in New York. Really!
For instance: use chocolate chip cookies. That's right. Read it again: chocolate chip cookies. When on the last day of the convention we still hadn't finished a resolution fast answers and refraining from making dumb remarks were rewarded with cookies. We went through the entire thing in an hour, even South-Korea (a nice Czech guy who constantly made weird points nobody understood but had a killer smile so I could never really hate him) stayed quiet. They don't teach you tricks like that on angry diplomate school now do they? It would probably also work with muffins or donuts but cookies are easier to carry and less sticky. But seriously wouldn't it be nice to have people think "Yeeey! America is here and they brought cookies" when you walk into the security council instead of "Who's the freak with the hair?"? Me thinks it would.
Second: make sure there are no cameras present when you dance around to R.E.S.P.E.C.T. (or any other Aretha Franklin song for all that matters). Believe me, only Madelaine Albright could pull that one of and you my friend (even if you do change your hairstyle) are no Madelaine Albright. Which is fine by the way, most of us aren't... except for Bill Clinton he's very Madelaine Albright (...or Madelaine Albright is very Bill Clinton.... I think we'll save that discussion for another time).
Third: don't be afraid to be a little mean sometimes. When I was having trouble with France on some stupid proposal of them (I suddenly understood how you people must have felt two years ago) I called the French delegate "arrogant". Not a very grown up move, even though she was it a little, but in the end apparently it did made her think and she withdrew her proposal. See, democracy in action! On a side note I wouldn't get too mean to North Korea, I have a feeling they can do a whole lot worse than you...
Finally on a non-UN related point: shave. Please shave! Unlike what your parents may have told you very few men can actually get away with a moustache and unfortunately you're not one of them (Ethan Hawke is, Tom Selleck at times is.... you're not). However if you enjoy going for the "I'm-about-to-rape-you-in-an-alley" look I've said nothing... (shave!).
So have fun at the vote next week and be nice to Barak Obama, he'll be president one day (probably of a university or a midsized company but president nonetheless).
Cheerio,
Boris
ps. Are you in any way related to Michael Bolton? And if so could you make him stop?
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