Dear Jerry Falwell

I have a little phenomenon I’d like to share with you. You see, I’m pretty new to this entire open letter writing thing but so far interesting things are happening when I do write them. More specifically interesting things happen to the people I write to; basically their careers and lives fall apart faster than you can say `Fags will burn in hell` (which is pretty fast).

Let me explain: last week I wrote a letter to John Bolton, the man who Bush wants to be the American delegate to the UN. In it I shared some foreign policy tips with John like the virtues of bringing chocolate chip cookies to high profile international negotiations (It’s a pretty fun letter you can read it below). And now, only a week later, it looks more and more like John isn’t going to get the job.

Coincidence? I think not.

Maybe this hasn’t convinced you yet, so let me give you another example: Monday I was considering writing an open letter to Tom DeLay, the house majority leader and one of the leading Republicans but decided I’d rather watch Dr. Phil instead (you know self searching and all that crap). And now, a few days later, DeLay’s career seems minutes from being over due to a volcano of scandals erupting all over him. Can't you see? The sheer threat of me writing him a letter pulls the trick already!

Obviously this got me thinking. How could these letters, even the ones not send have any influence? And then I had a revelation, which I’m sure you’ll like, it’s totally your thing, I figured out that there’s only one way we can explain all this. I must be the hand of God. That’s right! God has picked me as an elimination force for right wing people nobody likes! Mysterious ways rock!

However this kind of raised a few questions with me and I figured you'd be the perfect guy to ask them to. Now, I know you've just been released from the hospital and you have a heart condition and you're supposed to take it slow and all that but this will only take a sec. You see, in the past decades you've presented yourself as a man who is in close contact with God. You've also presented yourself as hating liberal, pro-choice, pro-feminist, homosexuals. In fact you blamed them for 9/11 (not your best moment, was it?). Which basically means you hate... ehm.. me. So then, why does God give me this power? In fact, if that's really how God also feels how come I live in a nice appartment, have just enough money in the bank to pay for my food and cd's and a bunch of really great friends? And indeed the power to kill people through letters. Which is a power I actually do not really want anyway, but I suppose you don't say no to God, she’s one feisty lady!

Oh that's right I’m sorry, I forgot to tell you: God’s a woman. Well… woman, actually once you look closer she’s in fact a transvestite. But a really pretty one! Oh, and she’s black too. Jerry? Why are you getting all white? Jerry? Stop pounding on your chest! JERRY???

Darn it, I've done it again. Ah well,

Love!
Boris

Ps. Are you in any way related to Michael Bolton? If so could you make him stop?