Funeral

For some reason I’m slightly obsessed with the music that will be played during my funeral. Not that I’m planning on dying anytime soon or that I expect to really enjoy my funeral myself. In fact it’s not even a depressed moments thing (those moments I spent alone at home with the curtains closed singing ´I’m a rock´ by Simon and Garfunkle while OD-ing on candy) it’s just this weird thing I have. Also, I’m a drama queen.

In my defence, I’m not the only one who has a ´funeral songs list´, I know at least one friend of mine who does the same thing (but I suspect she does do it during her ´I am a rock´ moments) and my grandfather has a list too (but then again he’s 91). Plus it’s not an actual list, like on paper or something, it’s more of a mechanism in my head that goes `This would be so cool for our funeral´ when I hear a beautiful song I love. Which, being a music junkie, means I must have hundreds by now. I’m not too sure yet what will go and what will stay but I’ll probably end up with a couple of Zucchero songs, one or two Bruce Springsteen tracks (Atlantic City is a must), perhaps something from Ryan Adams, Eric Clapton or Joe Cocker and maybe, if I’m still funny when I die, ´Burnin Hell´ by John Lee Hooker.

Problem is that there are a couple of do’s and don’ts concerning funeral music. First of all you can’t go too mainstream. ´Tears in heaven´, though a very beautiful song, is a big no-no because everybody does it. You don’t want people yawning their way through your funeral. Same goes for ´Who wants to live forever´ and that Andrea Bocelli song by the way. They might be acceptable if you really really really love those songs but in that case I’d record a video message to be played at the service explaining your choice to be on the safe side. (which, on the plus side, will give you the chance of saying: `If you´ll see this, it means I´m dead´ which will make it all worthwhile!).

Being funny with your songs is allowed but too funny is frowned upon. For instance ´Only the good die young´ is fine when the dead person involved died old but ´Beautiful Day´ might be a bit over the top, although you could probably still get away with it. However ´Hell is for children´ is just plain creepy. The jury is still out on taped performances by stand-up comedians but if that’s acceptable I’d go with some David Sedaris or Bill Hicks.

But at the same time the music can not be too cheerful. It doesn’t all have to be sad and depressing music but the people coming to your funeral should end the day with the overall feeling of ´How are we ever going to live without him?´ not ´It was so good to hear Brown Sugar again!´ and ´I’m so glad whats-his-face picked Everybody Needs Somebody To Love, I haven’t danced like that in years!´. Too poppy isn’t good either. I mean, face it: It might be fun music to sit in a bar too but do you really want people to remember you as `the guy that had ´Hit me baby one more time´ on his funeral´? No, I didn’t think you would.

All of this brings me to a personal do or don’t for my own funeral that I just can’t quite figure out: a bunch of male strippers singing an a-capella version of ´Chama-chameleon´…. Be honest: too tacky?