Dear John Bolton (2)

Hey Johnny!

It's been a while since my last letter and a lot has changed since then. Unfortunately, nothing concerning your facial hair... honestly John, did you even read the thing?

It was a bit of a dissapointment to hear that you decided to resign as U.S. embassador to the United Nations. After all, I do - in one way or another - consider myself to be your mentor. Obviously not a proud mentor, more one of those mentors who look around apoligetic and say "I know, I know, he just won't listen" to people. Actually, I think you didn't even use the chocolate chip cookies suggestion (and that hurts, buddy).

Anyway, it was clear after the Democrats won the mid-term elections last November that your UN days would be over. Considering that the Senate would not even confirm you in 2005, aka the days that Republicans were still in charge, after the Democrats won so much, politically you were as dead as your hair.

But what about your future plans? I have no idea how old you are and chopping you down to count your inner rings seems crude (I joke obviously, all we need to do is check the length of your nose hairs) but it seems to me you still have some time to go before you'll draw your last conservative breath. Normally, former U.S. politicians write a few books, or go on a speeking tour, but let's be fair my friend: who would pay to see you explain why you were a good UN ambassador?

But fear not, as usual I have the sollution.

Despite my campaign to get Bruce Springsteen, Jerry Falwell and you to assasinate Michael Bolton, he is still alive and kicking. Although this is of course a dissapointment of sorts (cookies, hair, Michael Bolton... the list of your failures is getting awfully long), I think it is also an opportunity for you.

Yes indeed: Michael Bolton and John Bolton on tour!

It's perfect! You both have weird hair, I can't stand either of you (dissapointed mentor mode) and the idea is just freaky enough it'll grab enough people's attention. You can end your active carreer as the freak show you unknowingly always were. All I ask is 15% of the net income of the tour.

Call my people if you're interested.

Boris

PS. SHAVE!

Dear David Gray (2),

I haven't heard back from you on living in a corner of my bedroom so I suppose that's a no. I can dig that, also considering that you have a wife and kids and they wouldn't fit in the corner, and I'd probably get annoyed by them so no prob.

But one thing; this entire "two to three years" of doing nothing deal now that your "Life in Slowmotion" tour is over...: No. Puhleeeaaase No. PUHLEEEAAAASEE NO!

True, true. Zucchero will have a new album out in late September so that should keep me occupied for a few months. After that he'll tour so that too will keep me entertained, but that'll be over by the end of 2007 and we all know how notoriously fucking slow he works.

Springsteen's touring now, but the Seeger sessions thing is already growing old. Apparently he's working on some new E-Street band stuff, but we both know Bruce; it might be 2011 before that comes out. Granted, Ryan Adams is always interesting, but he's also totally unreliable. You, my friend, are good. Slow in releasing stuff lately. But really good.

Soooo. lets try to schedule this a bit. Let's say that Zucchero will be able to keep me happy untill halfway into 2007. Springsteen then takes over with a poor version of his former self for another 4 months, that gives you untill 2008 to make a new album and tour again. Or to start living in my corner. Really, either is fine with me.

Lemme know!

Love, Boris

PS. In the case two people don't know David Gray; Babylon, Hospital Food, and my personal favorite This Year's Love

Dear Bruce Springsteen (3),

So you got me again.

A few months back you were coming over to Amsterdam to play in the Heineken Music Hall and I decided not to go. The reason was partly that I had no idea what kind of music to expect (turned out it was folk, but not the boring kind but the fun kind with aprox. 9.324 other musicians on stage with you) but mostly because of the prize.

80 f-ing euro for a ticket. Shameless!

Anyway, I obviously immediately regretted not going the moment the gig was sold out. I regretted it even more when I downloaded the album the tour was based on and realized that I really liked the album (the excellent "We Shall Overcome. The Seeger Sessions"). By the time I read the reviews of the concert I was actually slapping myself in the face and I don't think we have to go through the words I used when I saw some footage of the show on TV.

The problem with the entire Springsteen thing is, that there are many reasons not to like you. There's the ticket prices (yeah like you really need another 6,5 million), there's the weird "Oh I'm really in pain when I'm singing this" faces. There's the prostitute related song. There's the annoying chuckle. There's the lack of an E Street Band album and tour in the last four years. And there's the fact that you record a tribute album to Pete Seeger, and then don't include any songs actually written by the man himself (funny? yes. nice to a shriveled 87 year old? not really). And of course, there's Born in the USA (just because I know all the words and sing along when its on the radio doesn't mean I like it. Oh and Zucchero; same goes for "Senza una Donna" buddy).

But in the end, it's just so much more fun to ignore all that and scream along to "Prove it all Night" or "Ramrod" or any of the other brilliant songs you made.

And so, when I heard you were coming back to the Netherlands, I bought a ticket. I know I said I wouldn't, and I don't think I really wanted to, but in the end I had no choice (I was online when the tickets went on sale, so obviously I had to see if I could get through to the website selling the tickets. When I didn't I obviously had to try again every 20 seconds just to see if I could, in theory, buy a ticket. When I did get through... well, you can't not buy a Springsteen ticket when it's right there on the screen, now can you? It makes sense in my head, let me be).

So yes, I'm going to see your show in Rotterdam in october. I'm going to be alone and I'm going to have a fairly crappy seat probably next to smelly people who are going to complain that you're not playing "Born to Run". You better be worth it.

Love, Boris

PS. Not only is Michael Bolton still alive, he's making a come-back! Another dissapointment!

Dear Bruce Springsteen (2)

Hi Bruce,

I think I might as well be as open about this as I can be: our music maker, music listener relationship is in deep trouble. I'm sorry to shock you but I do mean deep trouble. I think we're not yet in the unsafable 'Tom-DeLay's-career' trouble yet, but I'm afraid we are definetly heading into 'Oprah-without-make-up' county.

You see, I thought this thing we had was clearly a win-win situation for the both of us. You sing about how crappy your life used to be, or about how your father doesn't understand you, or how you're confused or something like that and I sing along as loud and out of tune as I can. Occasionally, with my curtains closed, I even might have thrown in some sad airguitar moves (although honestly, is there any other kind than sad ones?).

So, we were having fun.

But lately I fear we've been growing apart. It started with your album Devils & Dust. Although there were some pretty darn good tunes on there a lot of the songs were completely lost on me. And with "a lot of the songs" I am, of course, talking about "Reno" (or as I like to call it "prostitute song nr. 1"), with the completely unnecessary sentence "Two hundred dollars straight in, Two-fifty up the ass" (enjoy that mental image friends!).

Now comes the news that you are to release a Pete Seeger tribute album. Personally, I am not a big folk fan - I can barely stand Bob Dylan when he's not plugged into something - but you performed this album together with a new 17 piece band so I was getting quite interested in this new work of yours, especially when the news came that you were going to do a gig in Amsterdam in a few weeks. But then the ticket price was revealed.

75 bucks for one frigging ticket? Are you out of your mind?? I could have expected this from Rod fucking Stewart, but didn't we all agree that you were the working class man's hero? Granted I'm not that working class to begin with, and I occasionally giggle like a girl but darn it I'm a Springsteen nut and I don't have a lot of money.

So I did some soul searching (and with soul searching I mean watching Dr. Phil bash some fat people) and I've come up with the following solution: I will not go out on saturday to get a completely overpriced ticket, you will do that tour and I will then read fantastic reviews and curse myself for not going after all. After that you will get into the studio, call your E Street Band budies, make an album that is at least half as good as The River and do a big tour with normal priced tickets, and I will then try to be present and scream "Bruuuuuuuuuuuce" at you at an annoyingly high volume.

Deal?

love, boris

PS. You're Italian-American, right? Could you call some maffia buddies of yours and get rid of James Blunt? Grazie!

Dear David Gray,

Hi there!

Before I start, I would like to say that I was planning on writing this a whole lot earlier, but I got the flu. Yet again. This time I spent three days in bed wondering where the hell I was and making up great ideas like "Why don't I make a bed out of a jacuzzi" and "There are words on my wall (there are in fact none) and there must be some logic behind them" (Paging mr. Brown, paging mr. Dan Brown). So sorry.

The reason I'm writing you, is that a few weeks ago me, my buddy the Squirrel, and the Squirrel's Lovely Girlfriend, were fortunate enough to see you perform live in Tilburg. Up until the start of your concert we wondered, maybe too loudly, why the hell you insist on playing there and not go to somewhere civilized like Amsterdam or, if you must, Rotterdam. I have nothing against cities I don't live in - although they clearly lack a certain moi - but Tilburg.... I shall explain.

We arrived a little before 6 pm and started walking towards the city centre for some food and cash machines. Most cities would generally have that, but unfortunately Tilburg wants to be special so neither could be found. In fact, all stores were already closed and the streets were completely empty leaving us, and - being the most Amsterdam minded - me, walking around feeling like we had ended up in an episode of the Twilight Zone (but since none of us could hum that theme song we moved it to an X files episode).

We did manage to get some cash and even to get some food, although we might be stretching the definition a little, and even managed to be right on time at the concert hall. And then we waited another hour and a half for you to actually begin playing but I won't complain, you started on time.

And you blew us away. From the very first word of 'Alibi' to the very last word of 'Babylon'. Your band was amazing, the music was among the best I have ever heard live, and your voice was taking our collective breath away.

Unfortunately something else was also taking our collective breath away; smokers. I dont know why but for some reason a David Gray concert audience - or at least a part of it - looks a lot like a smokers anonymous meeting. Although I am not a very violent person by nature (everybody reading this blog will agree with me on that... OR I'LL BREAK ALL THEIR F*CKING BONES!!!... cheap jokes, can't beat em) I had the urge several times when you were pouring your heart out about this year's love or something and one of the morons lighting up another cigarett to take it and burn their eye, but something told me that might intervere with the concert experience.

After the concert, the Squirrel's Lovely Girlfriend announced she wanted to marry you and with that she pretty much mirrored how all of us felt (well... maybe not the Squirrel, but screw it he's already a really bad metrosexual). However, seeing that open letter marriage proposals generally don't seem to work (Orlando, email me), I would like to ask something else.

How expensive would it be to have you live in a corner of my appartment for a year? You can bring your own guitar, and I might be able to get a piano of some sorts. All you have to do is play some of your songs once a day. Hits or new songs or covers, I really don't care. You can sit in my comfy chair and I'm willing to let you have the bed a few nights a week. Hell, I'll even feed you (not well of course, I'm poor).

Interested? Gimme a call.

Love,
Boris

PS. if you want to you can use the bed-jacuzzi idea for a song.
PS.2. The Dan Brown thing is mine though

Dear Al Franken,

Hey Al! I know, I know. I thought the entire open letter routine would be over too (especially since nobody cares about them). But, honestly; I haven't posted for a week, tuesday's a slow news day, and I've got the fucking fwu, so bear with me. Basically see it as you making fun of Donald Rumsfeld, it's easy, it's fun, and you can sleep peacefully by the end of the day.

Anyhoo, the reason I'm writing you is because I just finished reading your new book 'The Truth (with jokes)', the long awaited follow up to your 2003 book "LIES and the lying liers who tell them" about... well.. lies. Although the title may fool some, in your new book you're basically doing the exact same thing you did in 'Lies'; talk about how right wing people lie and counter it with the truth.

Well, your truth.

Overall, I have to say; funny. Not always Lies funny, but definetly more funny than Michael Moore funny (but honestly, these days, what isn't?). During certain parts of your book I had a bit of a deja vu feeling (even a deja vu all over again feeling if you will) concerning your earlier material and certain parts I already knew just by following the news.

Mind you, there was some stuff I really liked about the book. Your views on the Kerry campaign, for instance, were pretty darn good (especially on how they decided to make the American people relive everybody's favorite era.... The Vietnam War), I liked your story on how you lived through election night and if what you wrote about Tom DeLay is only true for 20% the man should be in jail for the rest of his life. Oh, and that part where you talk about how you feel about religion and the role your father played in that... tears in my eyes, honestly.

I just have two little pieces of criticism.

First, the title. Now, I agree this isn't really your fault, and I also agree that the title (The Truth - with jokes) is quite funny. So no issues there. The problem is that my beloved bestest friend the Squirrel now adds 'with jokes' to every other word he says to me. If he were to talk about food he might say "Pizza.... with jokes". Sure, our pizzas are usually served with jokes, but I'm afraid this one might stick (we still do the SNL cowbell sketch every week).

Second, and this is sort of the main one; the last chapter, in which you write an open letter to your grandchildren. First of all, open letters, puhlease! So boring. But more importantly; you write the letter from the perspective of the future.

Ouch.

The problem here is, that it's just so painfully awkward. Awkward as in, I'm still trying to get my toes straight after reading it. In the chapter, you talk about how basically the Democrats have won everything after the 2004 election. You yourself even become senator (you live in New York, does this mean you expect Hillary to become president? or are you planning on killing the other senator?) . Then, in the few days between the installment of the new congress and the installment of the new president, you impeach George W. Bush for the fun of it. Also, as of now you have no grandchildren, so you're kind of putting the presure on your kids there.

The problem with the "writing-from-the-future-style" is that you're always gonna be wrong in the end. I mean, look at George Orwell with 1984, man was he wrong with that one! (.... no wait!). More importantly, it's so common. Michael Moore did it in one of his book for instance (and just as awkwardly... I like the word awkward, have you noticed?) and even this particular letter is written from the perspective of tomorrow morning.

Oh, and if you are getting in a fist fight with Bill O'Reilly, could we have video footage of that?

Cheerio!
boris

ps. do you know Michael Bolton?

Dear Pat Robertson,

Most honourable servant of God,

How's life? I've been a little busy the past two weeks so I didn't have time to write you any sooner. I was planning to do it a few days ago, honestly. I'm sorry! I understand you're upset, and I also understand that if I'd be gone from this earth oil production wouldn't be harmed in any way, but please, please don't have me killed!

Amen,
Boris

Hi Pat,

Obviously I didn't mean all that. I don't believe in God, so I'll be damned if I believe in you. To me you're just a silly old guy claiming he's talking to God (who doesn't exist, so you do the maths). But I just wanted to know; is this how your life is like these days? Are people afraid you'll throw a fatwah at them too? "Here's your coffee Mr. Robertson, I know I forgot the milk, please don't kill me!!!!'.

To those of you who missed it (must be tough living in a cardboard box btw). Our good friend and evangelist Pat Robertson recently said in his own TV show ' The 700 Club' that if Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez really thinks the U.S. is trying to kill him (which he does) then ", I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war" (which it is). Obviously while saying that, you forgot that Chavez is a Democratically elected president (that is, as Democratically elected as any man can be in South America) and that he's a fellow Christian.

That's not to say that I don't agree with you that Chavez is a bit of an odd fellow and not a really good president to his people. But if that's a good reason to have someone killed, well, I feel for George W . My favourite part of your Kill Chavez rant, was the adding of 'And I don't think any oil shipments will stop'. As Jon Stewart of The Daily Show said 'That's right in line with the 10 Commandments; Thou shalt not kil... if any oil shipments will stop'.

After you proclaimed your fatwah, all hell obviously broke lose, and you responded in your typical Pat Robertson way; deny, attack 'liberal media', be confronted with taped video of you saying what you actually said and then in the end somewhat take it back while the rest of the world mocks you. Hey, if it makes you happy!

Your screw up did give me reasons to go back to the Pat Robertson hall of fame and check out some of your other quotes. My favourites;

"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."

"I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period."

"These girls (Robertson is talking about mothers on welfare) are not stupid. If you want to pay them five hundred, six hundred, seven hundred, eight hundred dollars a month, or whatever it is, to have a baby, they'll have babies. And if they'll stop paying them, they'll stop having babies. It's that simple. It's not heartless, it's not cruel, it's an intelligent use of money (Robertson opposes any form of sex education)".

"It's one thing to say, "We have rights to jobs ... we have rights to be left alone in out little corner of the world to do our thing." It's an entirely different thing to say, well, "We're not only going to go into the schools and we're going to take your children and your grandchildren and turn them into homosexuals." Now that's wrong."

and on number one: your "I totally concur" to Jerry Falwells "The ACLU has got to take a lot of blame for this (Falwell is talking about the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001). And I know I'll hear from them for this, but throwing God...successfully with the help of the federal court system...throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools, the abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked and when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad...I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who try to secularize America...I point the thing in their face and say you helped this happen."

You must be a proud man, Pat!

Anyhoo, I can't write too long; there's children to turn into homosexuals, earthquakes to cause, and women to be lesbianized, and it's a big worls, so you understand I gotta run.

Cheerio!
Boris

Dear Howard Dean,

Hi! I'm not sure you remember me, but I was one of those people that were on your e-mail list back in 2003. You know, when you still thought you could become president?

Yeah...

Don't feel too bad about that one, we for a moment thought you could too! Obviously in our enthusiasm we forgot a few rules in politics. Rules like: just because you're hot on the internet doesn't mean you're hot in real life. Or: just because you raised the most money, it doesn't mean Dick Gephardt will shut his f-ing face and give up. Or in the same category: screaming during a rally, doesn't always make you look good.

Anyhoo, I'm glad you have a new job! Chairman of the Democratic party. Well done! Now, it's obvious that your style is a little different than that of the guy you're replacing, Terry McAuliffe. For example, people actually know you. And you can actually talk. And you have opinions. And you're not afraid to state them.... And that's sort of the problem, isn't it?

See, in the past few weeks you've been in the news for saying you "hated Republicans", you claimed that most Republicans "never made an honest living" in their life and you also said that Tom Delay should be send to jail (which is probably true, but I don't think you should say it). And then last week you said that "(the Republican party) is not very friendly to different kinds of people, they are a pretty monolithic party ... it's pretty much a white, Christian party"..... Ehm, Howie, to quote Jon Stewart: "It's pretty much a white, Christian nation. Shhhh! They can hear you!".

So I figured I'd give you some advice on public speaking. Now, don't mock it! If John Bolton and Jacques Chirac would have followed my advice they would be in a whole lot less trouble right now (... and I would probably be the prime-minister of France, see below). Anyway, my suggestions:

- whenever you plan on saying anything, ask yourself if FOX news is going to have to spin something with your statement. If they don't, for god sakes don't say it!

- right before giving a pressconference, sing along to some music on your Ipod. You know, calm, soothing songs to relax you and get rid of some anger. Like Rage against the machine or something.

- please don't do the entire 360 degrees head spin and please please don't say that Bush's mother is "sucking cock in hell", you tried it once and John Kerry is still not talking to you.

- and for crying out loud DON'T SCREAM! I know states are exciting but it really sends out the wrong message.

See ya during the next Anonymous Rush Limbaugh listeners convention!

Boris

Dear Jacques Chirac,

I'm so sorry to hear the French people said 'non' to the European constitution. Here in the Netherlands we'll be voting on wednesday, and I'm not too sure yet what I'm going to vote, but with you people saying "no" the tension's sort of gone. So thanks for once again stealing our thunder!

Anyway, I'm sure you're wondering why the election went the wrong way, and I think I figured it out. The problem lies with the French people. Ok, I understand this may lead you to shout out "Duh" (or whatever may be the French version of that) to your computer screen, but hear me out. Most of the rest of the world sees the French as pouty people, people that can be pretty darn bitchy from time to time, people who say stuff like, ehm, oh I dunno, "get away from me you filthy Americain! I hope you get a dissease and die!". People, most of us wouldn't describe as extremely friendly most of the time. Put that together and the French seem more like a people that would say "no" to any question in general than "yes".

Conclusion? You should have changed the question! Instead of "Do you want this constitution" you should have asked "Do you not want this constitution?". I guarentee you that if you would have asked that question you would have won. But you didn't... (so you didn't).

Anyway, the reason I'm really writing is because I heard your prime-minister is probably going to resign after this. Which, as we all now, is politician for "I'm-firing-you-but-if-I-say-I-fire-you-it's-gonna-make-me-look-bad-and-I'm-not-going-anywhere-so-you-just-claim-you-resign-and-I-put-on-my-sad-face-and-say-I-can-only-except-that-resignation". And then you'll have to do some job interviews to get a new prime-minister. Which is where I come in.

See, I think I can give you some advice on how to select a good prime-minister. Now, don't bitch it! I've given John Bolton some excellent advice on taking cookies to the security council and shaving so I think I should be able to give you a few pointers.

First of all, I'd go for someone that makes the rest of the world think "Aha! Vin! Pain! Vive la France!" instead of "Oh f### it, it's the French". Someone who preferably wears a straw hat. Also someone who sings chansons. Basically, Charles Aznavour. He's old, he's cudly, he sings nice songs. The only way your good "friend" (*makes wild hand movements when typing "*) George Bush can beat that is by making Tom Jones his seceretary of state (and he's Welsh, so he won't).

Second, in the case that Charles doesn't want the job, test your possible candidates on general intelligence. The way to do that? The globe test. And, yes, I am talking about the famous inspector Clouseau scene. Just make the possible candidates play with a big globe for a moment. The test results should be pretty easy to understand. If they end up with their hand stuck in the thing and it's funny it's Peter Sellers in disguise. If they end up with their hand stuck in the thing and it's painful to watch and you wonder why you payed money to see the movie, it's Steve Martin doing Peter Sellers doing Inspector Clouseau. If they don't get their hand stuck, well, they had far too much practice with this crap and they shouldn't get the job anyway.

Third: speaking skills. Recently I was confronted with the fact that apparently if you want a job that involves speaking on the phone a lot you can't speak unclear (ridiculous, I know). My guess is that the French prime minister is expected to speak in public a lot, so just let them read out a few sentences. Something like "the grain in Spain" or, if you want to, sentences they will actually use. Sentences like "Whatever happened, it's not the fault of Le Presidente, it's all mine!".

Oh and finally, if the guy you're interviewing keeps on yapping on (and on, and on, and on) about photography... just shoot 'm. You're the frigging president, I'm sure you can get away with it!

Au revoir!

Boris

Dear ´Runaway Bride´,

I just wanted to write you a letter so I could tell you that you really scare me.

Now don’t take this the wrong way! I know it may sound a little rough, especially since we don’t know each other and all that, but it’s just the truth. You really, really scare me. Probably more than George W. Bush scares me, maybe even more than Michael Jackson scares me (not as much as Dr. Laura scares me though (silver lining!) ).

It’s not really the fact that you ran away from your own wedding. Personally I don’t think it’s a very nice thing to do, you know, with your parents paying for everything and hundreds of guests coming over and all that. But after seeing pictures of your fiancée… well, I get the emotion, he seems really boring. And since he now still wants to marry you, he’s stupid too. Of course, I do blame you for getting the nickname `Runaway Bride` (which now makes me relive that horrible Julia Roberts / Richard Gere movie), but I guess it’s the media that made that one up (damn you Fox News!).

The fact that you faked your own kidnapping isn’t the biggest problem either. Looking back on it, you may wonder what the hell you were thinking, but honestly: we’ve all been there! Seriously, if I would have gotten a quarter for every time I was cutting out newspaper headlines to glue together a letter demanding ransom for myself.. In fact I’m impressed that you knew when to call it quits. Some spoiled rich girls might take it too far and lose track, which is all nice and dandy until they cut their own fingers off and realise that it ´sorta, like hurts and stuff´.


It’s also not the fact that you obviously are completely insane. Which you are. No judgement, really. I mean, it’s not like I consider myself extremely stable in the mental department (for instance, I write fake open letters to people I don’t know). But so far I’ve never shoplifted, which you have done many times despite the fact that you are in no money problems whatsoever, or… ehm… or ran away from my own wedding. But I did read the other day that you checked yourself into a mental hospital to do some soul searching, which I guess is a good thing.

What scares me so much are those freaky eyes!

I don’t know what you did to them (maybe it was surgery, maybe it’s lenses, maybe it’s LSD) but you look horrible with them. The insanely happy smile (the kind that says I’m-about-to-drown-my-children-in-the-bathtub) you sport on every single picture I’ve seen of you so far isn’t helping much either (honestly, what are you using???), but it’s the eyes that scare me most. If you look long enough at them (and I swear to god this is true, readers give it a try!) you actually get a little dizzy. So, on behalf of the rest of the world, could you PLEASE start wearing sunglasses?

Thanks in advance, take care, swallow all the pills the nurses tell you to take and I can’t wait for your tell-all book!

Love,

Boris

Dear Bruce Springsteen,

Before we start the entire semi-funny fake open letter routine I just wanted to say: big fan. Love most of your work, adore your live performances (Live in Barcelona, best live dvd ever!) and Human Touch to me is sort of a personal anthem (which says many sad things about my social life but let’s not go there). Just wanted to get that straight.

Anyway, I’m writing this letter on behalf of the prostitutes living, and working, in Amsterdam. As you might now, considering that you wrote, recorded, and released it, you have a new album out called “Devils and Dust”. It’s sort of an acoustic album based on a bunch of different life stories and, although that entire idea sounds cornier than the next Freddie-Prinze-jr.-still-playing-a-teenager-movie, it works pretty neat.

The title track for instance is a beautiful song about an American soldier in Afghanistan, Iraq, or wherever you people are these days, wondering what “if what you do to survive / kills the thing you love”. Other tracks are about a young boy losing his mother, Mexican immigrants trying to cross the American border, a boxer at the end of his career and Jesus (it’s an American thing, isn’t it?). God knows what All I'm thinking about is about but that one is my personal favourite on the album.

So far, no problem. However there is one song, and here the girls come in the picture, which is a little more problematic. In the song Reno you sing about a man having sex with a prostitute (presumably in Reno). Although it’s not quite Penthouse material you are pretty graphic in the song which has caused some controversy in the US, more specifically the lyric “ ´Two-hundred dollars straight in, two-fifty up the ass´ she smiled and said”. Although I do think it’s a bit of a cheap lyric the girls themselves don’t really have that much of a problem with that part of the song. But then again they are (what for it!) pretty cheap women (ba-da-dum-tsjing!).

The problem also isn’t in the part at the end of the song where the man and the woman have a drink afterwards and the guy thinks to himself “It wasn’t the best I’ve ever had, not even close”. The girls would like to point out that most of the people they get are stoned or drunk so they don’t really remember anything from the entire thing anyway. Most men will probably wake up the next morning with a hangover and an STD not really remembering anything from the night before. Which I suppose makes the STD a nice souvenir they can give on to their wives. Also, as one of them said, “It’s not like you’re so fucking great”.

Their problem is with this part of the song “She poured me another whisky”. As one of the prostitutes (a woman I totally made up and decided to call Betty-Sue for no reason whatsoever) said “I dunno what them fancy women in Reno do with whiskey an’ all but here in Amsterdam we ain’t doin’ none of that stuff. You’s lucky if ya get a glass of water baby!” (why she talks in a fake Southern accent I don’t really know…. it’s probably a female thing).

So to conclude: the girls would like to ask you if you could refrain from singing that whisky part during your European performances. They’re afraid that men get the wrong idea about visiting prostitutes and they would like to point out that it’s just as it has always been: it’s still about abusing illegal immigrant women who would get beaten up or even killed by their pimp if they don’t do what he tells them to do (without whisky).

Oh and on a personal note: do an E-street band tour next year!

Adios!
Boris

Ps. I guess you don’t know Michael Bolton either do you? You’d think someone would….

Dear Jerry Falwell

I have a little phenomenon I’d like to share with you. You see, I’m pretty new to this entire open letter writing thing but so far interesting things are happening when I do write them. More specifically interesting things happen to the people I write to; basically their careers and lives fall apart faster than you can say `Fags will burn in hell` (which is pretty fast).

Let me explain: last week I wrote a letter to John Bolton, the man who Bush wants to be the American delegate to the UN. In it I shared some foreign policy tips with John like the virtues of bringing chocolate chip cookies to high profile international negotiations (It’s a pretty fun letter you can read it below). And now, only a week later, it looks more and more like John isn’t going to get the job.

Coincidence? I think not.

Maybe this hasn’t convinced you yet, so let me give you another example: Monday I was considering writing an open letter to Tom DeLay, the house majority leader and one of the leading Republicans but decided I’d rather watch Dr. Phil instead (you know self searching and all that crap). And now, a few days later, DeLay’s career seems minutes from being over due to a volcano of scandals erupting all over him. Can't you see? The sheer threat of me writing him a letter pulls the trick already!

Obviously this got me thinking. How could these letters, even the ones not send have any influence? And then I had a revelation, which I’m sure you’ll like, it’s totally your thing, I figured out that there’s only one way we can explain all this. I must be the hand of God. That’s right! God has picked me as an elimination force for right wing people nobody likes! Mysterious ways rock!

However this kind of raised a few questions with me and I figured you'd be the perfect guy to ask them to. Now, I know you've just been released from the hospital and you have a heart condition and you're supposed to take it slow and all that but this will only take a sec. You see, in the past decades you've presented yourself as a man who is in close contact with God. You've also presented yourself as hating liberal, pro-choice, pro-feminist, homosexuals. In fact you blamed them for 9/11 (not your best moment, was it?). Which basically means you hate... ehm.. me. So then, why does God give me this power? In fact, if that's really how God also feels how come I live in a nice appartment, have just enough money in the bank to pay for my food and cd's and a bunch of really great friends? And indeed the power to kill people through letters. Which is a power I actually do not really want anyway, but I suppose you don't say no to God, she’s one feisty lady!

Oh that's right I’m sorry, I forgot to tell you: God’s a woman. Well… woman, actually once you look closer she’s in fact a transvestite. But a really pretty one! Oh, and she’s black too. Jerry? Why are you getting all white? Jerry? Stop pounding on your chest! JERRY???

Darn it, I've done it again. Ah well,

Love!
Boris

Ps. Are you in any way related to Michael Bolton? If so could you make him stop?

Dear John Bolton,

Since everybody is sending everybody open letters these days (Dan Renzi writes one every week, David Brock wrote one to Bill Clinton and Michael Moore sends one to George W. Bush every ten minutes) I thought I'd send you one now that the senate vote on your job in the UN has been post-poned. Bummer by the way!

It is true that on my Dutch blog I said I wondered why the Bush government couldn't find any conservatives who didn't have your, to say the least, odd track record on comments on the UN and other countries. And it is also true that I have mocked your hair several times. But as a I was walking home yesterday I thought; they're neo-cons, ofcourse they can't anyone better! In fact you're probably the mildest of the bunch. And hair wise, well, you do suck in that department.

I also wanted to write you to give you some advice on how to act when you do get that job at the U.N.. Sure, I don't have an interesting track record in international negotiations with North Korea but I did take part in a fake UN thing called UNISCA at the University of Amsterdam and I think I picked some stuff up there that you could use in New York. Really!

For instance: use chocolate chip cookies. That's right. Read it again: chocolate chip cookies. When on the last day of the convention we still hadn't finished a resolution fast answers and refraining from making dumb remarks were rewarded with cookies. We went through the entire thing in an hour, even South-Korea (a nice Czech guy who constantly made weird points nobody understood but had a killer smile so I could never really hate him) stayed quiet. They don't teach you tricks like that on angry diplomate school now do they? It would probably also work with muffins or donuts but cookies are easier to carry and less sticky. But seriously wouldn't it be nice to have people think "Yeeey! America is here and they brought cookies" when you walk into the security council instead of "Who's the freak with the hair?"? Me thinks it would.

Second: make sure there are no cameras present when you dance around to R.E.S.P.E.C.T. (or any other Aretha Franklin song for all that matters). Believe me, only Madelaine Albright could pull that one of and you my friend (even if you do change your hairstyle) are no Madelaine Albright. Which is fine by the way, most of us aren't... except for Bill Clinton he's very Madelaine Albright (...or Madelaine Albright is very Bill Clinton.... I think we'll save that discussion for another time).

Third: don't be afraid to be a little mean sometimes. When I was having trouble with France on some stupid proposal of them (I suddenly understood how you people must have felt two years ago) I called the French delegate "arrogant". Not a very grown up move, even though she was it a little, but in the end apparently it did made her think and she withdrew her proposal. See, democracy in action! On a side note I wouldn't get too mean to North Korea, I have a feeling they can do a whole lot worse than you...

Finally on a non-UN related point: shave. Please shave! Unlike what your parents may have told you very few men can actually get away with a moustache and unfortunately you're not one of them (Ethan Hawke is, Tom Selleck at times is.... you're not). However if you enjoy going for the "I'm-about-to-rape-you-in-an-alley" look I've said nothing... (shave!).

So have fun at the vote next week and be nice to Barak Obama, he'll be president one day (probably of a university or a midsized company but president nonetheless).

Cheerio,
Boris

ps. Are you in any way related to Michael Bolton? And if so could you make him stop?