Dear ´Runaway Bride´,

I just wanted to write you a letter so I could tell you that you really scare me.

Now don’t take this the wrong way! I know it may sound a little rough, especially since we don’t know each other and all that, but it’s just the truth. You really, really scare me. Probably more than George W. Bush scares me, maybe even more than Michael Jackson scares me (not as much as Dr. Laura scares me though (silver lining!) ).

It’s not really the fact that you ran away from your own wedding. Personally I don’t think it’s a very nice thing to do, you know, with your parents paying for everything and hundreds of guests coming over and all that. But after seeing pictures of your fiancée… well, I get the emotion, he seems really boring. And since he now still wants to marry you, he’s stupid too. Of course, I do blame you for getting the nickname `Runaway Bride` (which now makes me relive that horrible Julia Roberts / Richard Gere movie), but I guess it’s the media that made that one up (damn you Fox News!).

The fact that you faked your own kidnapping isn’t the biggest problem either. Looking back on it, you may wonder what the hell you were thinking, but honestly: we’ve all been there! Seriously, if I would have gotten a quarter for every time I was cutting out newspaper headlines to glue together a letter demanding ransom for myself.. In fact I’m impressed that you knew when to call it quits. Some spoiled rich girls might take it too far and lose track, which is all nice and dandy until they cut their own fingers off and realise that it ´sorta, like hurts and stuff´.


It’s also not the fact that you obviously are completely insane. Which you are. No judgement, really. I mean, it’s not like I consider myself extremely stable in the mental department (for instance, I write fake open letters to people I don’t know). But so far I’ve never shoplifted, which you have done many times despite the fact that you are in no money problems whatsoever, or… ehm… or ran away from my own wedding. But I did read the other day that you checked yourself into a mental hospital to do some soul searching, which I guess is a good thing.

What scares me so much are those freaky eyes!

I don’t know what you did to them (maybe it was surgery, maybe it’s lenses, maybe it’s LSD) but you look horrible with them. The insanely happy smile (the kind that says I’m-about-to-drown-my-children-in-the-bathtub) you sport on every single picture I’ve seen of you so far isn’t helping much either (honestly, what are you using???), but it’s the eyes that scare me most. If you look long enough at them (and I swear to god this is true, readers give it a try!) you actually get a little dizzy. So, on behalf of the rest of the world, could you PLEASE start wearing sunglasses?

Thanks in advance, take care, swallow all the pills the nurses tell you to take and I can’t wait for your tell-all book!

Love,

Boris