Dear Jacques Chirac,

I'm so sorry to hear the French people said 'non' to the European constitution. Here in the Netherlands we'll be voting on wednesday, and I'm not too sure yet what I'm going to vote, but with you people saying "no" the tension's sort of gone. So thanks for once again stealing our thunder!

Anyway, I'm sure you're wondering why the election went the wrong way, and I think I figured it out. The problem lies with the French people. Ok, I understand this may lead you to shout out "Duh" (or whatever may be the French version of that) to your computer screen, but hear me out. Most of the rest of the world sees the French as pouty people, people that can be pretty darn bitchy from time to time, people who say stuff like, ehm, oh I dunno, "get away from me you filthy Americain! I hope you get a dissease and die!". People, most of us wouldn't describe as extremely friendly most of the time. Put that together and the French seem more like a people that would say "no" to any question in general than "yes".

Conclusion? You should have changed the question! Instead of "Do you want this constitution" you should have asked "Do you not want this constitution?". I guarentee you that if you would have asked that question you would have won. But you didn't... (so you didn't).

Anyway, the reason I'm really writing is because I heard your prime-minister is probably going to resign after this. Which, as we all now, is politician for "I'm-firing-you-but-if-I-say-I-fire-you-it's-gonna-make-me-look-bad-and-I'm-not-going-anywhere-so-you-just-claim-you-resign-and-I-put-on-my-sad-face-and-say-I-can-only-except-that-resignation". And then you'll have to do some job interviews to get a new prime-minister. Which is where I come in.

See, I think I can give you some advice on how to select a good prime-minister. Now, don't bitch it! I've given John Bolton some excellent advice on taking cookies to the security council and shaving so I think I should be able to give you a few pointers.

First of all, I'd go for someone that makes the rest of the world think "Aha! Vin! Pain! Vive la France!" instead of "Oh f### it, it's the French". Someone who preferably wears a straw hat. Also someone who sings chansons. Basically, Charles Aznavour. He's old, he's cudly, he sings nice songs. The only way your good "friend" (*makes wild hand movements when typing "*) George Bush can beat that is by making Tom Jones his seceretary of state (and he's Welsh, so he won't).

Second, in the case that Charles doesn't want the job, test your possible candidates on general intelligence. The way to do that? The globe test. And, yes, I am talking about the famous inspector Clouseau scene. Just make the possible candidates play with a big globe for a moment. The test results should be pretty easy to understand. If they end up with their hand stuck in the thing and it's funny it's Peter Sellers in disguise. If they end up with their hand stuck in the thing and it's painful to watch and you wonder why you payed money to see the movie, it's Steve Martin doing Peter Sellers doing Inspector Clouseau. If they don't get their hand stuck, well, they had far too much practice with this crap and they shouldn't get the job anyway.

Third: speaking skills. Recently I was confronted with the fact that apparently if you want a job that involves speaking on the phone a lot you can't speak unclear (ridiculous, I know). My guess is that the French prime minister is expected to speak in public a lot, so just let them read out a few sentences. Something like "the grain in Spain" or, if you want to, sentences they will actually use. Sentences like "Whatever happened, it's not the fault of Le Presidente, it's all mine!".

Oh and finally, if the guy you're interviewing keeps on yapping on (and on, and on, and on) about photography... just shoot 'm. You're the frigging president, I'm sure you can get away with it!

Au revoir!

Boris