Dear John Bolton,

Since everybody is sending everybody open letters these days (Dan Renzi writes one every week, David Brock wrote one to Bill Clinton and Michael Moore sends one to George W. Bush every ten minutes) I thought I'd send you one now that the senate vote on your job in the UN has been post-poned. Bummer by the way!

It is true that on my Dutch blog I said I wondered why the Bush government couldn't find any conservatives who didn't have your, to say the least, odd track record on comments on the UN and other countries. And it is also true that I have mocked your hair several times. But as a I was walking home yesterday I thought; they're neo-cons, ofcourse they can't anyone better! In fact you're probably the mildest of the bunch. And hair wise, well, you do suck in that department.

I also wanted to write you to give you some advice on how to act when you do get that job at the U.N.. Sure, I don't have an interesting track record in international negotiations with North Korea but I did take part in a fake UN thing called UNISCA at the University of Amsterdam and I think I picked some stuff up there that you could use in New York. Really!

For instance: use chocolate chip cookies. That's right. Read it again: chocolate chip cookies. When on the last day of the convention we still hadn't finished a resolution fast answers and refraining from making dumb remarks were rewarded with cookies. We went through the entire thing in an hour, even South-Korea (a nice Czech guy who constantly made weird points nobody understood but had a killer smile so I could never really hate him) stayed quiet. They don't teach you tricks like that on angry diplomate school now do they? It would probably also work with muffins or donuts but cookies are easier to carry and less sticky. But seriously wouldn't it be nice to have people think "Yeeey! America is here and they brought cookies" when you walk into the security council instead of "Who's the freak with the hair?"? Me thinks it would.

Second: make sure there are no cameras present when you dance around to R.E.S.P.E.C.T. (or any other Aretha Franklin song for all that matters). Believe me, only Madelaine Albright could pull that one of and you my friend (even if you do change your hairstyle) are no Madelaine Albright. Which is fine by the way, most of us aren't... except for Bill Clinton he's very Madelaine Albright (...or Madelaine Albright is very Bill Clinton.... I think we'll save that discussion for another time).

Third: don't be afraid to be a little mean sometimes. When I was having trouble with France on some stupid proposal of them (I suddenly understood how you people must have felt two years ago) I called the French delegate "arrogant". Not a very grown up move, even though she was it a little, but in the end apparently it did made her think and she withdrew her proposal. See, democracy in action! On a side note I wouldn't get too mean to North Korea, I have a feeling they can do a whole lot worse than you...

Finally on a non-UN related point: shave. Please shave! Unlike what your parents may have told you very few men can actually get away with a moustache and unfortunately you're not one of them (Ethan Hawke is, Tom Selleck at times is.... you're not). However if you enjoy going for the "I'm-about-to-rape-you-in-an-alley" look I've said nothing... (shave!).

So have fun at the vote next week and be nice to Barak Obama, he'll be president one day (probably of a university or a midsized company but president nonetheless).

Cheerio,
Boris

ps. Are you in any way related to Michael Bolton? And if so could you make him stop?