Oh god.
In about 84 hours I will be on a plane. This in itself doesn't scare me too much. I never liked planes, but most of the time I'm fine. And yes, I currently am in complete denial that I will be in this particular plane for 10 hours, thank you for asking. The problem is where the plane will be going. Or, better said in post 9/11 lingo, where the plane is scheduled to go.
Kenya.... oh dear god.
I'm not quite at the point yet where I start questioning the entire trip, but I am in complete awe of the event that is quickly approaching. Kenya. What was I thinking? Aside from the fact that I'll be running behind on papers, classes, and reading assignments, there's a part of me that is in extreme doubt whether I should be traveling to Africa. "Honestly", it tells me, "don't you think there's a reason our relatives left that place thousands and thousands of years ago?".
As said before (see below), I have my shots, and my malaria medication, so in that department I should be fine. Or, in post reading-the-different-articles-on-disseases-you-can-get-in-Africa lingo, I'm scheduled to be fine. That is if I don't touch anybody's blood or sperm. Neither of which I'm planning on.But for some reason the weird people at the travel clinic didn't give me drugs or pills to keep away the monkeys. Or the lions. Or the spiders. Or snakes (oh lord, I had forgotten about the snakes). Or the other bugs.
Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god.
Sure, in Amsterdam we have those things too, but in Zoos! Where God intended them to be when he created them! Of course, I'll be spending a lot of time in civilized areas where I suspect the amount of deadly snakes to be, well, at least not huge. But monkeys are supposed to be everywhere, and I'm told they carry disseases (which, in a totally off-topic by-thought, could explain how Michael Jackson is these days... damn you Bubbles!), so I should not get in a fight with one of them.
But it is also scheduled that we will go into the bush to visit the orphanage/school that is the entire reason of our visit. I suggested importing the girls that visit the school to the hotel and just stay in our rooms for the entire trip, but for some reason I was outvoted.Anyhoo, I don't know if there will be internet in Kenya (there should be, I hear they even have phones in Friesland these days), I might not be back untill october. And if I haven't posted something about annoying blondes or stupid tv shows by november.... well... blame Bubbles.
Oh and in case I do die; my cd's and books go to the Squirrel, if only for the fact that he can never store them in his boat appartment, my Zucchero cd's go to my friend Merel together with the duty to listen to them every day (and I'll ghostly check that!), and, damnit, I want male strippers singing "Kamachameleon" at my funeral. That's about it really....
Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Monday, September 19, 2005
Brown on blondes
I officially despise blonde women. Well, obviously not all of them, that would be discrimination. And everybody who knows me, knows I hate discrimination. I believe discrimination is the lowest thing one human being can do to another and I absolutely hate it, I hate it even more than I hate Germans (this obviously is a joke.... how can I hate something more than the Germans? *1)/ And, I actually have blonde women among my best friends (Hi Becky!). But it's a certain kind of blonde woman that I really hate. You look puzzled, I'll try to explain.
This morning I was sitting next to one of them during an American Studies class. I didn't really notice her because, well... basically because I really couldn't care less about most women-I-don't-know if I tried (and I have). However, while I was happily ignoring her, she did notice me.
Let me start by saying that, yes, in theory she was right to complain. When I'm listening to a person talk to me for more than 10 minutes I get several ticks running through my body. They're pretty harmless, basically me shaking my right foot a lot, or me imagining a lepricorn sitting on my shoulder and telling me to burn things. Another one is me playing with my pen, the pen in question wasn't one of those you had to press to get the point to go up or down (and by doing that creating a "tsjlik tsjlik" sound). This was an ordinary pen with a little cap that I was opening and closing to the rhytm of "Bad Moon Rising" that was playing in my head.
Now, the sound that an action like that makes is ridiculously undisturbing. It's basically a "thup" sound and because my hands were on the pen I was muting the sound almost completely. Or so I thought. I was just happily thup-ping along when halfway through the lecture, the girl turned to me and whispered "Could you quit with the pen?".
It's not so much that she complained, it's the way she did it. First of all, to convey the message that I should quit playing with my pen, she used the Dutch verb "kappen". It's a word you usually reserve for either a friendly feud or the way you would complain if your next door neighbor would start playing gangsta rap at volume level 12 at 2 in the morning. It is most definitely not a thup-sound verb.
Second, it was the tone she used. She could have gone with a distant "Hi,-I-don't-know-you-and-I'm-sure-you're-a-decent-guy-,-but-I'm-trying-to-pay-attention-and-you're-distracting-me" tone. She didn't. She even could have gone with a, totally misplaced, "Hey,-we're-both-students-,-so-we're-buddies-,so-could-ya-do-me-a-favor-mate" tone. She didn't. Instead she went for the spoiled brat tone. That spoiled little girl tone. That tone that inmediately made me convinced that she had a father with way to much money on the bank and a mother on mood stabilizers. She knew I was going to stop the thupping, not because she was morally right, but because she always gets what she wants.
Then I took a look at her outfit. She wore those hip clothes people with actual sense of style stay away from as far as they can. The woman had a fucking belt with flowers and one of those coats with fake fur around the edges. She also smoked and (and I'm sure my female readers will now hate her too) she was ridiculously thin. In short, I was already in a bad mood, but now I was able to channel all my inner hatred towards a mental image of me smashing her head against her desk. Obviously, in the actual classroom I did the decent thing and stopped the thupping and started the foot shaking. But in the make-believe class room.... boy.
I'll say one thing for her though, great fag hag material.
---
1) this is obviously also a joke. God, you people are slow.
2) bonus points, and a "duh!", to the one who can guess which legendary album title I raped, butchered and spit on for the title of this post.
This morning I was sitting next to one of them during an American Studies class. I didn't really notice her because, well... basically because I really couldn't care less about most women-I-don't-know if I tried (and I have). However, while I was happily ignoring her, she did notice me.
Let me start by saying that, yes, in theory she was right to complain. When I'm listening to a person talk to me for more than 10 minutes I get several ticks running through my body. They're pretty harmless, basically me shaking my right foot a lot, or me imagining a lepricorn sitting on my shoulder and telling me to burn things. Another one is me playing with my pen, the pen in question wasn't one of those you had to press to get the point to go up or down (and by doing that creating a "tsjlik tsjlik" sound). This was an ordinary pen with a little cap that I was opening and closing to the rhytm of "Bad Moon Rising" that was playing in my head.
Now, the sound that an action like that makes is ridiculously undisturbing. It's basically a "thup" sound and because my hands were on the pen I was muting the sound almost completely. Or so I thought. I was just happily thup-ping along when halfway through the lecture, the girl turned to me and whispered "Could you quit with the pen?".
It's not so much that she complained, it's the way she did it. First of all, to convey the message that I should quit playing with my pen, she used the Dutch verb "kappen". It's a word you usually reserve for either a friendly feud or the way you would complain if your next door neighbor would start playing gangsta rap at volume level 12 at 2 in the morning. It is most definitely not a thup-sound verb.
Second, it was the tone she used. She could have gone with a distant "Hi,-I-don't-know-you-and-I'm-sure-you're-a-decent-guy-,-but-I'm-trying-to-pay-attention-and-you're-distracting-me" tone. She didn't. She even could have gone with a, totally misplaced, "Hey,-we're-both-students-,-so-we're-buddies-,so-could-ya-do-me-a-favor-mate" tone. She didn't. Instead she went for the spoiled brat tone. That spoiled little girl tone. That tone that inmediately made me convinced that she had a father with way to much money on the bank and a mother on mood stabilizers. She knew I was going to stop the thupping, not because she was morally right, but because she always gets what she wants.
Then I took a look at her outfit. She wore those hip clothes people with actual sense of style stay away from as far as they can. The woman had a fucking belt with flowers and one of those coats with fake fur around the edges. She also smoked and (and I'm sure my female readers will now hate her too) she was ridiculously thin. In short, I was already in a bad mood, but now I was able to channel all my inner hatred towards a mental image of me smashing her head against her desk. Obviously, in the actual classroom I did the decent thing and stopped the thupping and started the foot shaking. But in the make-believe class room.... boy.
I'll say one thing for her though, great fag hag material.
---
1) this is obviously also a joke. God, you people are slow.
2) bonus points, and a "duh!", to the one who can guess which legendary album title I raped, butchered and spit on for the title of this post.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Close your eyes (and think of England)
A few weeks ago I spent a few days visiting the UK. Not so much for the tourist attractions but for the fact that my friend Merel's natural habitat these days is in and around Coventry. Since both of us lost most of our money while vacationing in Italy earlier this summer, we spent our days together watching sitcoms on TV and walking around Coventry and Birmingham wondering which 16 year old girl was and which 16 year old girl wasn't pregnant.... in Dutch obviously, I don't know about Merel but I imagine most 16 year old English girls can probably kick my ass quite professionally, pregnant or not.
Every time I spent some time in England there's a few things that always surprise me, and usually pleasantly. For one thing, I love the way the country side looks. I love the fact that they have Queer as Folk on dvd in practically every cd/dvd store there is. In a really weird way I love how the cars drive on the wrong side of the street (for possible UK readers; yes, it is the wrong side). But mostly, I love the English.
I haven't been in France recently, and the times I have been there I didn't feel unwanted or hated by the reportedly bitchy local French population (then again, last time I was in France I was 5), but I can understand how people might react a little annoyed at tourists. Even in Amsterdam, a city where most people tend to be quite laidback, the police and the people running the public transportation system are usually not the most friendly to tourists screwing something up.
From what I've experienced, not in England. Last year, when I was in the UK to see Zucchero perform in London, I had to travel quite a lot by public transportation (trains, subway, busses the works) and I'm pretty sure that in the three days I was in England I broke every single rule there is. I rode on subways with a wrong ticket, I rode in a train without any valid ticket or pounds to buy one, I payed for a ticket in a bus and then didn't collect it from the machine, I tore my train ticket up after leaving the train but before passing the point where my ticket was to be checked again. I did everything wrong I could do wrong.
Now, if I would have done stuff like this in Amsterdam, no matter how well I could explain what I did wrong and why I did it, I would have ended up with half my years salary in fines and a bunch of grumpy people who work for the railway company bitching at me. Again; not in England. The men and women that checked my (torn up) tickets, answered my extremely stupid questions and helped me understand why my train had been cancelled and how I was to get to the airport in an alternative way while I was completely stressing out, were nice, friendly, and most of all easygoing.
Oh, and they called me 'love' (well, at least the women did).
There's only one problem I have with the English: I don't understand what the fuck they're saying. It's not the language that is a problem. After all, as you can see on this blog, English me fery are good. It's the accents. It took me ten minutes to figure out that the, again awfully nice, person selling me drinks meant "Do you want ice" and not "Do youwnjfksoisisuisdize?". The only reason I figured out what the extremely friendly woman selling me a gigantic potato with even more tuna salad meant when she asked "Ya want batr?" was because she was pointing at some butter with her knive. And people from Brmnghm.... well, they were all extremely nice but god knows what they said to me.
So, in short; people of England, I'm totally in favor of getting you guys to run the globe again for a couple of decades, but could ya please lose the accents???
Every time I spent some time in England there's a few things that always surprise me, and usually pleasantly. For one thing, I love the way the country side looks. I love the fact that they have Queer as Folk on dvd in practically every cd/dvd store there is. In a really weird way I love how the cars drive on the wrong side of the street (for possible UK readers; yes, it is the wrong side). But mostly, I love the English.
I haven't been in France recently, and the times I have been there I didn't feel unwanted or hated by the reportedly bitchy local French population (then again, last time I was in France I was 5), but I can understand how people might react a little annoyed at tourists. Even in Amsterdam, a city where most people tend to be quite laidback, the police and the people running the public transportation system are usually not the most friendly to tourists screwing something up.
From what I've experienced, not in England. Last year, when I was in the UK to see Zucchero perform in London, I had to travel quite a lot by public transportation (trains, subway, busses the works) and I'm pretty sure that in the three days I was in England I broke every single rule there is. I rode on subways with a wrong ticket, I rode in a train without any valid ticket or pounds to buy one, I payed for a ticket in a bus and then didn't collect it from the machine, I tore my train ticket up after leaving the train but before passing the point where my ticket was to be checked again. I did everything wrong I could do wrong.
Now, if I would have done stuff like this in Amsterdam, no matter how well I could explain what I did wrong and why I did it, I would have ended up with half my years salary in fines and a bunch of grumpy people who work for the railway company bitching at me. Again; not in England. The men and women that checked my (torn up) tickets, answered my extremely stupid questions and helped me understand why my train had been cancelled and how I was to get to the airport in an alternative way while I was completely stressing out, were nice, friendly, and most of all easygoing.
Oh, and they called me 'love' (well, at least the women did).
There's only one problem I have with the English: I don't understand what the fuck they're saying. It's not the language that is a problem. After all, as you can see on this blog, English me fery are good. It's the accents. It took me ten minutes to figure out that the, again awfully nice, person selling me drinks meant "Do you want ice" and not "Do youwnjfksoisisuisdize?". The only reason I figured out what the extremely friendly woman selling me a gigantic potato with even more tuna salad meant when she asked "Ya want batr?" was because she was pointing at some butter with her knive. And people from Brmnghm.... well, they were all extremely nice but god knows what they said to me.
So, in short; people of England, I'm totally in favor of getting you guys to run the globe again for a couple of decades, but could ya please lose the accents???
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Dear Pat Robertson,
Most honourable servant of God,
How's life? I've been a little busy the past two weeks so I didn't have time to write you any sooner. I was planning to do it a few days ago, honestly. I'm sorry! I understand you're upset, and I also understand that if I'd be gone from this earth oil production wouldn't be harmed in any way, but please, please don't have me killed!
Amen,
Boris
Hi Pat,
Obviously I didn't mean all that. I don't believe in God, so I'll be damned if I believe in you. To me you're just a silly old guy claiming he's talking to God (who doesn't exist, so you do the maths). But I just wanted to know; is this how your life is like these days? Are people afraid you'll throw a fatwah at them too? "Here's your coffee Mr. Robertson, I know I forgot the milk, please don't kill me!!!!'.
To those of you who missed it (must be tough living in a cardboard box btw). Our good friend and evangelist Pat Robertson recently said in his own TV show ' The 700 Club' that if Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez really thinks the U.S. is trying to kill him (which he does) then ", I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war" (which it is). Obviously while saying that, you forgot that Chavez is a Democratically elected president (that is, as Democratically elected as any man can be in South America) and that he's a fellow Christian.
That's not to say that I don't agree with you that Chavez is a bit of an odd fellow and not a really good president to his people. But if that's a good reason to have someone killed, well, I feel for George W . My favourite part of your Kill Chavez rant, was the adding of 'And I don't think any oil shipments will stop'. As Jon Stewart of The Daily Show said 'That's right in line with the 10 Commandments; Thou shalt not kil... if any oil shipments will stop'.
After you proclaimed your fatwah, all hell obviously broke lose, and you responded in your typical Pat Robertson way; deny, attack 'liberal media', be confronted with taped video of you saying what you actually said and then in the end somewhat take it back while the rest of the world mocks you. Hey, if it makes you happy!
Your screw up did give me reasons to go back to the Pat Robertson hall of fame and check out some of your other quotes. My favourites;
"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."
"I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period."
"These girls (Robertson is talking about mothers on welfare) are not stupid. If you want to pay them five hundred, six hundred, seven hundred, eight hundred dollars a month, or whatever it is, to have a baby, they'll have babies. And if they'll stop paying them, they'll stop having babies. It's that simple. It's not heartless, it's not cruel, it's an intelligent use of money (Robertson opposes any form of sex education)".
"It's one thing to say, "We have rights to jobs ... we have rights to be left alone in out little corner of the world to do our thing." It's an entirely different thing to say, well, "We're not only going to go into the schools and we're going to take your children and your grandchildren and turn them into homosexuals." Now that's wrong."
and on number one: your "I totally concur" to Jerry Falwells "The ACLU has got to take a lot of blame for this (Falwell is talking about the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001). And I know I'll hear from them for this, but throwing God...successfully with the help of the federal court system...throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools, the abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked and when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad...I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who try to secularize America...I point the thing in their face and say you helped this happen."
You must be a proud man, Pat!
Anyhoo, I can't write too long; there's children to turn into homosexuals, earthquakes to cause, and women to be lesbianized, and it's a big worls, so you understand I gotta run.
Cheerio!
Boris
How's life? I've been a little busy the past two weeks so I didn't have time to write you any sooner. I was planning to do it a few days ago, honestly. I'm sorry! I understand you're upset, and I also understand that if I'd be gone from this earth oil production wouldn't be harmed in any way, but please, please don't have me killed!
Amen,
Boris
Hi Pat,
Obviously I didn't mean all that. I don't believe in God, so I'll be damned if I believe in you. To me you're just a silly old guy claiming he's talking to God (who doesn't exist, so you do the maths). But I just wanted to know; is this how your life is like these days? Are people afraid you'll throw a fatwah at them too? "Here's your coffee Mr. Robertson, I know I forgot the milk, please don't kill me!!!!'.
To those of you who missed it (must be tough living in a cardboard box btw). Our good friend and evangelist Pat Robertson recently said in his own TV show ' The 700 Club' that if Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez really thinks the U.S. is trying to kill him (which he does) then ", I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war" (which it is). Obviously while saying that, you forgot that Chavez is a Democratically elected president (that is, as Democratically elected as any man can be in South America) and that he's a fellow Christian.
That's not to say that I don't agree with you that Chavez is a bit of an odd fellow and not a really good president to his people. But if that's a good reason to have someone killed, well, I feel for George W . My favourite part of your Kill Chavez rant, was the adding of 'And I don't think any oil shipments will stop'. As Jon Stewart of The Daily Show said 'That's right in line with the 10 Commandments; Thou shalt not kil... if any oil shipments will stop'.
After you proclaimed your fatwah, all hell obviously broke lose, and you responded in your typical Pat Robertson way; deny, attack 'liberal media', be confronted with taped video of you saying what you actually said and then in the end somewhat take it back while the rest of the world mocks you. Hey, if it makes you happy!
Your screw up did give me reasons to go back to the Pat Robertson hall of fame and check out some of your other quotes. My favourites;
"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."
"I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period."
"These girls (Robertson is talking about mothers on welfare) are not stupid. If you want to pay them five hundred, six hundred, seven hundred, eight hundred dollars a month, or whatever it is, to have a baby, they'll have babies. And if they'll stop paying them, they'll stop having babies. It's that simple. It's not heartless, it's not cruel, it's an intelligent use of money (Robertson opposes any form of sex education)".
"It's one thing to say, "We have rights to jobs ... we have rights to be left alone in out little corner of the world to do our thing." It's an entirely different thing to say, well, "We're not only going to go into the schools and we're going to take your children and your grandchildren and turn them into homosexuals." Now that's wrong."
and on number one: your "I totally concur" to Jerry Falwells "The ACLU has got to take a lot of blame for this (Falwell is talking about the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001). And I know I'll hear from them for this, but throwing God...successfully with the help of the federal court system...throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools, the abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked and when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad...I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who try to secularize America...I point the thing in their face and say you helped this happen."
You must be a proud man, Pat!
Anyhoo, I can't write too long; there's children to turn into homosexuals, earthquakes to cause, and women to be lesbianized, and it's a big worls, so you understand I gotta run.
Cheerio!
Boris
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