I think it was my mom who always told me to think about what to do in case of a fire in every place you stay. It might sound a bit dramatic (but, then again, so is my mom) and the odds are that you forget all about it the moment the first smoke starts filling the room. However, being a control freak it gives me some feeling of safety. So every time I stay in a hotel or change apartments one of the first things I do is figure out how to flee from them (also I’m afraid someone with a chainsaw could storm in at any time).
In the apartment I live in now the easiest way out is to jump off my balcony. It’s not as bad as it sounds, because I only live on the first floor. However if the fire is on that part of the building I’m not quite sure what I’d do, probably text the final selection of funeral songs (see below) to someone. In hotels it’s usually less simple because generally speaking they’re pretty high buildings so usually I practice running up and down the stairs a couple of times (and then I think I’m about to have a heart attack and stop caring about fire…. Hey it works for me!).
Anyhoo, there’s also an additional aspect to fleeing from fire: what do you take with you?
In hotels it’s pretty simple; some clothes, your passport, your money, your credit cards, that’s basically all you’re going to take with you. At home it’s a whole lot harder. Back when I was still living at my parents place the answer was quite simple; in case of fire I’d grab my cat and run. Seeing that my cat is fluffy, adores me, and is pretty light she seems the most obvious answer, also because letting your cat burn to death but do rescuing your Lego seems a bit… oh I don’t know… would ‘heartless’ be the word?
However now that I live in my own apartment I’m catless and also what I do and do not take with me is all my own responsibility. Which, I should add, sucks because blaming yourself for something isn’t half as entertaining as blaming someone else (sooo in the spirit of being single: if you think you’d like me blaming you for everything, mail me!). Anyway, so if my apartment building does end up being one huge fireball and I wake up in time before the thing totally collapses it’ll all be up to me to decide in the minute or two I have before jumping out the window what to take with me.
Lemme tell ya, not going to be easy at all! The passport and the money thing of course remains the same as in hotels but because I keep that with me in the pockets of my pants, all I have to do is put them on (which is something I think I would do before jumping out a window, it seems to me Martha Stewart would agree that’s the decent thing to do). That leaves me with about 1 minute and 50 seconds to look around my room and think; what can’t I live without?
Books aren’t that big a deal, I mean it would suck losing them but most of my books are not that difficult to replace. The only book I’d really hate losing is my American Studies handbook Enduring Vision, because it has a bunch of election results, all of the supreme court justices, the constitution and the amendments (and also it was friggin expensive!). But that book is really heavy, so how does that go with jumping out of a window? Where is Martha Stewart when you need her? Damn that bitch.
Ok, so no books, cds? A lot of my cd’s are pretty rare and difficult to find. Some, mostly my Zucchero stuff, have taken me years of going through Italian record stores, it’s going to be almost impossible to replace all of them. But can I carry all my cd’s with me? And even worse: LP’s! I have a bunch of LP’s that are seriously not replaceable (well in theory yes, but it would take me another 10 years and the odds are I’d lose interest, which would be a shame). Pictures would be another thing, I have a couple of framed ones I’d want to take with me but they’re heavy and some of them are huge. Plus they’re partly made of glass, how would that go with jumping??
Maybe I should just move my favorite things back to my parents place. Sure, I wouldn’t be able to use them or look at them, or read them, or listen to them but at least they would be save.
But what if they’d have a fire? Are they gonna save their own stuff and the cat before saving my stuff? Maybe they would……… but maybe…..
Damn that cat!
Friday, April 29, 2005
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Funeral
For some reason I’m slightly obsessed with the music that will be played during my funeral. Not that I’m planning on dying anytime soon or that I expect to really enjoy my funeral myself. In fact it’s not even a depressed moments thing (those moments I spent alone at home with the curtains closed singing ´I’m a rock´ by Simon and Garfunkle while OD-ing on candy) it’s just this weird thing I have. Also, I’m a drama queen.
In my defence, I’m not the only one who has a ´funeral songs list´, I know at least one friend of mine who does the same thing (but I suspect she does do it during her ´I am a rock´ moments) and my grandfather has a list too (but then again he’s 91). Plus it’s not an actual list, like on paper or something, it’s more of a mechanism in my head that goes `This would be so cool for our funeral´ when I hear a beautiful song I love. Which, being a music junkie, means I must have hundreds by now. I’m not too sure yet what will go and what will stay but I’ll probably end up with a couple of Zucchero songs, one or two Bruce Springsteen tracks (Atlantic City is a must), perhaps something from Ryan Adams, Eric Clapton or Joe Cocker and maybe, if I’m still funny when I die, ´Burnin Hell´ by John Lee Hooker.
Problem is that there are a couple of do’s and don’ts concerning funeral music. First of all you can’t go too mainstream. ´Tears in heaven´, though a very beautiful song, is a big no-no because everybody does it. You don’t want people yawning their way through your funeral. Same goes for ´Who wants to live forever´ and that Andrea Bocelli song by the way. They might be acceptable if you really really really love those songs but in that case I’d record a video message to be played at the service explaining your choice to be on the safe side. (which, on the plus side, will give you the chance of saying: `If you´ll see this, it means I´m dead´ which will make it all worthwhile!).
Being funny with your songs is allowed but too funny is frowned upon. For instance ´Only the good die young´ is fine when the dead person involved died old but ´Beautiful Day´ might be a bit over the top, although you could probably still get away with it. However ´Hell is for children´ is just plain creepy. The jury is still out on taped performances by stand-up comedians but if that’s acceptable I’d go with some David Sedaris or Bill Hicks.
But at the same time the music can not be too cheerful. It doesn’t all have to be sad and depressing music but the people coming to your funeral should end the day with the overall feeling of ´How are we ever going to live without him?´ not ´It was so good to hear Brown Sugar again!´ and ´I’m so glad whats-his-face picked Everybody Needs Somebody To Love, I haven’t danced like that in years!´. Too poppy isn’t good either. I mean, face it: It might be fun music to sit in a bar too but do you really want people to remember you as `the guy that had ´Hit me baby one more time´ on his funeral´? No, I didn’t think you would.
All of this brings me to a personal do or don’t for my own funeral that I just can’t quite figure out: a bunch of male strippers singing an a-capella version of ´Chama-chameleon´…. Be honest: too tacky?
In my defence, I’m not the only one who has a ´funeral songs list´, I know at least one friend of mine who does the same thing (but I suspect she does do it during her ´I am a rock´ moments) and my grandfather has a list too (but then again he’s 91). Plus it’s not an actual list, like on paper or something, it’s more of a mechanism in my head that goes `This would be so cool for our funeral´ when I hear a beautiful song I love. Which, being a music junkie, means I must have hundreds by now. I’m not too sure yet what will go and what will stay but I’ll probably end up with a couple of Zucchero songs, one or two Bruce Springsteen tracks (Atlantic City is a must), perhaps something from Ryan Adams, Eric Clapton or Joe Cocker and maybe, if I’m still funny when I die, ´Burnin Hell´ by John Lee Hooker.
Problem is that there are a couple of do’s and don’ts concerning funeral music. First of all you can’t go too mainstream. ´Tears in heaven´, though a very beautiful song, is a big no-no because everybody does it. You don’t want people yawning their way through your funeral. Same goes for ´Who wants to live forever´ and that Andrea Bocelli song by the way. They might be acceptable if you really really really love those songs but in that case I’d record a video message to be played at the service explaining your choice to be on the safe side. (which, on the plus side, will give you the chance of saying: `If you´ll see this, it means I´m dead´ which will make it all worthwhile!).
Being funny with your songs is allowed but too funny is frowned upon. For instance ´Only the good die young´ is fine when the dead person involved died old but ´Beautiful Day´ might be a bit over the top, although you could probably still get away with it. However ´Hell is for children´ is just plain creepy. The jury is still out on taped performances by stand-up comedians but if that’s acceptable I’d go with some David Sedaris or Bill Hicks.
But at the same time the music can not be too cheerful. It doesn’t all have to be sad and depressing music but the people coming to your funeral should end the day with the overall feeling of ´How are we ever going to live without him?´ not ´It was so good to hear Brown Sugar again!´ and ´I’m so glad whats-his-face picked Everybody Needs Somebody To Love, I haven’t danced like that in years!´. Too poppy isn’t good either. I mean, face it: It might be fun music to sit in a bar too but do you really want people to remember you as `the guy that had ´Hit me baby one more time´ on his funeral´? No, I didn’t think you would.
All of this brings me to a personal do or don’t for my own funeral that I just can’t quite figure out: a bunch of male strippers singing an a-capella version of ´Chama-chameleon´…. Be honest: too tacky?
Friday, April 22, 2005
Dear Jerry Falwell
I have a little phenomenon I’d like to share with you. You see, I’m pretty new to this entire open letter writing thing but so far interesting things are happening when I do write them. More specifically interesting things happen to the people I write to; basically their careers and lives fall apart faster than you can say `Fags will burn in hell` (which is pretty fast).
Let me explain: last week I wrote a letter to John Bolton, the man who Bush wants to be the American delegate to the UN. In it I shared some foreign policy tips with John like the virtues of bringing chocolate chip cookies to high profile international negotiations (It’s a pretty fun letter you can read it below). And now, only a week later, it looks more and more like John isn’t going to get the job.
Coincidence? I think not.
Maybe this hasn’t convinced you yet, so let me give you another example: Monday I was considering writing an open letter to Tom DeLay, the house majority leader and one of the leading Republicans but decided I’d rather watch Dr. Phil instead (you know self searching and all that crap). And now, a few days later, DeLay’s career seems minutes from being over due to a volcano of scandals erupting all over him. Can't you see? The sheer threat of me writing him a letter pulls the trick already!
Obviously this got me thinking. How could these letters, even the ones not send have any influence? And then I had a revelation, which I’m sure you’ll like, it’s totally your thing, I figured out that there’s only one way we can explain all this. I must be the hand of God. That’s right! God has picked me as an elimination force for right wing people nobody likes! Mysterious ways rock!
However this kind of raised a few questions with me and I figured you'd be the perfect guy to ask them to. Now, I know you've just been released from the hospital and you have a heart condition and you're supposed to take it slow and all that but this will only take a sec. You see, in the past decades you've presented yourself as a man who is in close contact with God. You've also presented yourself as hating liberal, pro-choice, pro-feminist, homosexuals. In fact you blamed them for 9/11 (not your best moment, was it?). Which basically means you hate... ehm.. me. So then, why does God give me this power? In fact, if that's really how God also feels how come I live in a nice appartment, have just enough money in the bank to pay for my food and cd's and a bunch of really great friends? And indeed the power to kill people through letters. Which is a power I actually do not really want anyway, but I suppose you don't say no to God, she’s one feisty lady!
Oh that's right I’m sorry, I forgot to tell you: God’s a woman. Well… woman, actually once you look closer she’s in fact a transvestite. But a really pretty one! Oh, and she’s black too. Jerry? Why are you getting all white? Jerry? Stop pounding on your chest! JERRY???
Darn it, I've done it again. Ah well,
Love!
Boris
Ps. Are you in any way related to Michael Bolton? If so could you make him stop?
Let me explain: last week I wrote a letter to John Bolton, the man who Bush wants to be the American delegate to the UN. In it I shared some foreign policy tips with John like the virtues of bringing chocolate chip cookies to high profile international negotiations (It’s a pretty fun letter you can read it below). And now, only a week later, it looks more and more like John isn’t going to get the job.
Coincidence? I think not.
Maybe this hasn’t convinced you yet, so let me give you another example: Monday I was considering writing an open letter to Tom DeLay, the house majority leader and one of the leading Republicans but decided I’d rather watch Dr. Phil instead (you know self searching and all that crap). And now, a few days later, DeLay’s career seems minutes from being over due to a volcano of scandals erupting all over him. Can't you see? The sheer threat of me writing him a letter pulls the trick already!
Obviously this got me thinking. How could these letters, even the ones not send have any influence? And then I had a revelation, which I’m sure you’ll like, it’s totally your thing, I figured out that there’s only one way we can explain all this. I must be the hand of God. That’s right! God has picked me as an elimination force for right wing people nobody likes! Mysterious ways rock!
However this kind of raised a few questions with me and I figured you'd be the perfect guy to ask them to. Now, I know you've just been released from the hospital and you have a heart condition and you're supposed to take it slow and all that but this will only take a sec. You see, in the past decades you've presented yourself as a man who is in close contact with God. You've also presented yourself as hating liberal, pro-choice, pro-feminist, homosexuals. In fact you blamed them for 9/11 (not your best moment, was it?). Which basically means you hate... ehm.. me. So then, why does God give me this power? In fact, if that's really how God also feels how come I live in a nice appartment, have just enough money in the bank to pay for my food and cd's and a bunch of really great friends? And indeed the power to kill people through letters. Which is a power I actually do not really want anyway, but I suppose you don't say no to God, she’s one feisty lady!
Oh that's right I’m sorry, I forgot to tell you: God’s a woman. Well… woman, actually once you look closer she’s in fact a transvestite. But a really pretty one! Oh, and she’s black too. Jerry? Why are you getting all white? Jerry? Stop pounding on your chest! JERRY???
Darn it, I've done it again. Ah well,
Love!
Boris
Ps. Are you in any way related to Michael Bolton? If so could you make him stop?
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Cry havoc!
Yesterday may have appeared as a good day for me. For starters, I had to do a presentation for my Academic English class which (despite computer and beamer problems) went fine. So far; good day. After that I checked out some recordstores around the city center and found a little vinyl Zucchero single that only cost me 50 cts.. Again; good. Then I went to a great history class I've already done 2 years ago with my buddy The Nuclear Squirrel (which I should say is his internet name and not his real name..... or at least not is real first name) which was a lot of fun too. So, good day?
Hell no.
Because when I got home and turned the tv on I found out that the cable company had cut me off. Those bastards! Sure, I was the one who canceled my subscription but still; those bastards. It's not that I'm now completely tv-less because I do have a digital tv box thingie but it's just not the same. I should say that it's not that bad a system actually. The images are pretty clear and the sound is fine. Plus I also get Discovery Channel which I never was able to locate when I still had cable and some 24/7 hardcore (believe me, haaaard) porn thing called Spice (but alas it's all straight porn, so bo-ring). There's basically only one thing that makes this digital tv thing only a sad and handicapped alternative to actual tv.
That's right: No BBC.
Actually that's not completely true I do get BBC World, which I love (mostly because of HardTalk and Talking Movies), and BBC Prime, which I hate and want the people responsible for dead (people who make BBC Prime should also be on my Room 101 list, see below). But no BBC 1 or 2. So, as a sort of therapy, I would like to pay tribute to some of the great shows that I'm now going to not see every week;
(sad funeral music starts now):
Little Britain, Newsnight (when Jeremy Paxman hosts it anyway), Breakfast, Prime ministers questions, Hustle, Friday night with Jonathan Ross, Ab Fab, French and Saunders, The Lenny Henry Show, Comic Relief (even though it's only once every 2 years), QI, Deadringers (oh god Deadringers is gone too!) and most of all Have I got news for you. I'll miss you guys!
(sad funeral music ends now)
On a brighter side, maybe this will inspire me to spend my BBC-watch-time and get a more interesting life..... That or maybe I'll just watch this show on Discovery on Hitler.
Hell no.
Because when I got home and turned the tv on I found out that the cable company had cut me off. Those bastards! Sure, I was the one who canceled my subscription but still; those bastards. It's not that I'm now completely tv-less because I do have a digital tv box thingie but it's just not the same. I should say that it's not that bad a system actually. The images are pretty clear and the sound is fine. Plus I also get Discovery Channel which I never was able to locate when I still had cable and some 24/7 hardcore (believe me, haaaard) porn thing called Spice (but alas it's all straight porn, so bo-ring). There's basically only one thing that makes this digital tv thing only a sad and handicapped alternative to actual tv.
That's right: No BBC.
Actually that's not completely true I do get BBC World, which I love (mostly because of HardTalk and Talking Movies), and BBC Prime, which I hate and want the people responsible for dead (people who make BBC Prime should also be on my Room 101 list, see below). But no BBC 1 or 2. So, as a sort of therapy, I would like to pay tribute to some of the great shows that I'm now going to not see every week;
(sad funeral music starts now):
Little Britain, Newsnight (when Jeremy Paxman hosts it anyway), Breakfast, Prime ministers questions, Hustle, Friday night with Jonathan Ross, Ab Fab, French and Saunders, The Lenny Henry Show, Comic Relief (even though it's only once every 2 years), QI, Deadringers (oh god Deadringers is gone too!) and most of all Have I got news for you. I'll miss you guys!
(sad funeral music ends now)
On a brighter side, maybe this will inspire me to spend my BBC-watch-time and get a more interesting life..... That or maybe I'll just watch this show on Discovery on Hitler.
Friday, April 15, 2005
Dear John Bolton,
Since everybody is sending everybody open letters these days (Dan Renzi writes one every week, David Brock wrote one to Bill Clinton and Michael Moore sends one to George W. Bush every ten minutes) I thought I'd send you one now that the senate vote on your job in the UN has been post-poned. Bummer by the way!
It is true that on my Dutch blog I said I wondered why the Bush government couldn't find any conservatives who didn't have your, to say the least, odd track record on comments on the UN and other countries. And it is also true that I have mocked your hair several times. But as a I was walking home yesterday I thought; they're neo-cons, ofcourse they can't anyone better! In fact you're probably the mildest of the bunch. And hair wise, well, you do suck in that department.
I also wanted to write you to give you some advice on how to act when you do get that job at the U.N.. Sure, I don't have an interesting track record in international negotiations with North Korea but I did take part in a fake UN thing called UNISCA at the University of Amsterdam and I think I picked some stuff up there that you could use in New York. Really!
For instance: use chocolate chip cookies. That's right. Read it again: chocolate chip cookies. When on the last day of the convention we still hadn't finished a resolution fast answers and refraining from making dumb remarks were rewarded with cookies. We went through the entire thing in an hour, even South-Korea (a nice Czech guy who constantly made weird points nobody understood but had a killer smile so I could never really hate him) stayed quiet. They don't teach you tricks like that on angry diplomate school now do they? It would probably also work with muffins or donuts but cookies are easier to carry and less sticky. But seriously wouldn't it be nice to have people think "Yeeey! America is here and they brought cookies" when you walk into the security council instead of "Who's the freak with the hair?"? Me thinks it would.
Second: make sure there are no cameras present when you dance around to R.E.S.P.E.C.T. (or any other Aretha Franklin song for all that matters). Believe me, only Madelaine Albright could pull that one of and you my friend (even if you do change your hairstyle) are no Madelaine Albright. Which is fine by the way, most of us aren't... except for Bill Clinton he's very Madelaine Albright (...or Madelaine Albright is very Bill Clinton.... I think we'll save that discussion for another time).
Third: don't be afraid to be a little mean sometimes. When I was having trouble with France on some stupid proposal of them (I suddenly understood how you people must have felt two years ago) I called the French delegate "arrogant". Not a very grown up move, even though she was it a little, but in the end apparently it did made her think and she withdrew her proposal. See, democracy in action! On a side note I wouldn't get too mean to North Korea, I have a feeling they can do a whole lot worse than you...
Finally on a non-UN related point: shave. Please shave! Unlike what your parents may have told you very few men can actually get away with a moustache and unfortunately you're not one of them (Ethan Hawke is, Tom Selleck at times is.... you're not). However if you enjoy going for the "I'm-about-to-rape-you-in-an-alley" look I've said nothing... (shave!).
So have fun at the vote next week and be nice to Barak Obama, he'll be president one day (probably of a university or a midsized company but president nonetheless).
Cheerio,
Boris
ps. Are you in any way related to Michael Bolton? And if so could you make him stop?
It is true that on my Dutch blog I said I wondered why the Bush government couldn't find any conservatives who didn't have your, to say the least, odd track record on comments on the UN and other countries. And it is also true that I have mocked your hair several times. But as a I was walking home yesterday I thought; they're neo-cons, ofcourse they can't anyone better! In fact you're probably the mildest of the bunch. And hair wise, well, you do suck in that department.
I also wanted to write you to give you some advice on how to act when you do get that job at the U.N.. Sure, I don't have an interesting track record in international negotiations with North Korea but I did take part in a fake UN thing called UNISCA at the University of Amsterdam and I think I picked some stuff up there that you could use in New York. Really!
For instance: use chocolate chip cookies. That's right. Read it again: chocolate chip cookies. When on the last day of the convention we still hadn't finished a resolution fast answers and refraining from making dumb remarks were rewarded with cookies. We went through the entire thing in an hour, even South-Korea (a nice Czech guy who constantly made weird points nobody understood but had a killer smile so I could never really hate him) stayed quiet. They don't teach you tricks like that on angry diplomate school now do they? It would probably also work with muffins or donuts but cookies are easier to carry and less sticky. But seriously wouldn't it be nice to have people think "Yeeey! America is here and they brought cookies" when you walk into the security council instead of "Who's the freak with the hair?"? Me thinks it would.
Second: make sure there are no cameras present when you dance around to R.E.S.P.E.C.T. (or any other Aretha Franklin song for all that matters). Believe me, only Madelaine Albright could pull that one of and you my friend (even if you do change your hairstyle) are no Madelaine Albright. Which is fine by the way, most of us aren't... except for Bill Clinton he's very Madelaine Albright (...or Madelaine Albright is very Bill Clinton.... I think we'll save that discussion for another time).
Third: don't be afraid to be a little mean sometimes. When I was having trouble with France on some stupid proposal of them (I suddenly understood how you people must have felt two years ago) I called the French delegate "arrogant". Not a very grown up move, even though she was it a little, but in the end apparently it did made her think and she withdrew her proposal. See, democracy in action! On a side note I wouldn't get too mean to North Korea, I have a feeling they can do a whole lot worse than you...
Finally on a non-UN related point: shave. Please shave! Unlike what your parents may have told you very few men can actually get away with a moustache and unfortunately you're not one of them (Ethan Hawke is, Tom Selleck at times is.... you're not). However if you enjoy going for the "I'm-about-to-rape-you-in-an-alley" look I've said nothing... (shave!).
So have fun at the vote next week and be nice to Barak Obama, he'll be president one day (probably of a university or a midsized company but president nonetheless).
Cheerio,
Boris
ps. Are you in any way related to Michael Bolton? And if so could you make him stop?
Monday, April 11, 2005
Room 101
There's a tv show on the BBC called Room 101, in it guests, usually English celebrities I don't know, are invited to come up with about 5 things they hate and would like to see gone from this world. The host of the show and the guest then discuss these things and figure out what's so bad about them and whether a world without these things would be a good thing, if it is these things are dropped into Room 101 and are gone. Forever. But probably only in England cause they're still here. The host generally is pretty critical so Britney Spears did end up in Room 101 but 'spit' didn't because we need it to swallow stuff. Britney Spears is just plain useless so there's no problem there.
The funny thing is that if you think about it at first coming up with stuff you hate and want away from this world so bad seems pretty hard. Even I a, these days, part-time cynic, had a pretty tough time at first. But once you start they just keep on coming:
Fred Phelps, T0m Delay, that girl from The O.C., back-hair, religion, Paul McCartney songs, Paul McCartney himself, movies that have Julia Roberts playing someone who pretends to be Julia Roberts, Julia Roberts movies in general (excluding Erin Brokovich), everybody dating Orlando Bloom, most of my family specifically those who say I "it's only history" when talking about my study, pregnant women who want to be treated like gods because they're pregnant, children that scream, adults that scream, cd stores that are too expensive but do have the cd's you want. All bad things that should go away. Like now. I mean it. Go! There's one thing that's even worse than all those things together. AIDS? George W. Bush? 3d world hunger?
All horrible indeed, but not as bad as tourists on bikes in Amsterdam.
You can recognize them by the fact that their bikes are all rented but also by the fact that they always drive on the sidewalk while there's a clear bike path next to that where all the Dutch people ride. They also never understand how the bell works, usually can't steer or stop so they always almost ride into you while screaming "MOVE!". They are also usually Americans so they think they own the city anyway. Generally speaking they also tend to almost hit trams and seem utterly. I don't know how many tourists die while riding bikes every year, but in my imagination every evening an entire boeing leaves Amsterdam airport for the US filled with caskets of those who didn't survive their meeting with a canal. In the past I have threatened abandoning and never speaking to American friends that came to the city wanting to rent a bike ever again and so far it works. Unfortunately I don't know all tourists so the threat has only a limited effect on most bike renters.
I really have no idea why they get on them to begin with, it's not safe and really not that fast plus bikes get stolen a lot. I think the main reasons are the fascists who wrote their tourguides (Are you reading this Rick Steves? I'm talking about you, you bastard!... which reminds me Rick Steves needs to be in that list too) who prefered to stay at their hotel and have sex with our legal prostitutes and smoke our legal drugs than to actually go out and, oh I don't know, do something useful for their readers and figure out the public transportation system (which I should add is fine) or at least explain you can walk around the city center too without any problems (that's all I do, works fine for me too... excluding the rental bikes of course).
But the ones I really blame are the bastards that rent the bikes. If I ever get hit by one of those tourists (and considering I study in the city center every single day of the week that's probably just a matter of time) the first thing I'll do is sue those rental morons for everything they've got. My theory is that after the 2nd world war ended the Dutch Nazi party held a conference on how to get back at the rest of us and bike renting was one of their schemes (together with Baantjer novels and Dutch sitcoms). If we ever get a civil war here and are suddenly allowed to kill people for no particular reason my first stops are MacBike, Rent a Bike and Bike City.
Pet hates? Moi?
The funny thing is that if you think about it at first coming up with stuff you hate and want away from this world so bad seems pretty hard. Even I a, these days, part-time cynic, had a pretty tough time at first. But once you start they just keep on coming:
Fred Phelps, T0m Delay, that girl from The O.C., back-hair, religion, Paul McCartney songs, Paul McCartney himself, movies that have Julia Roberts playing someone who pretends to be Julia Roberts, Julia Roberts movies in general (excluding Erin Brokovich), everybody dating Orlando Bloom, most of my family specifically those who say I "it's only history" when talking about my study, pregnant women who want to be treated like gods because they're pregnant, children that scream, adults that scream, cd stores that are too expensive but do have the cd's you want. All bad things that should go away. Like now. I mean it. Go! There's one thing that's even worse than all those things together. AIDS? George W. Bush? 3d world hunger?
All horrible indeed, but not as bad as tourists on bikes in Amsterdam.
You can recognize them by the fact that their bikes are all rented but also by the fact that they always drive on the sidewalk while there's a clear bike path next to that where all the Dutch people ride. They also never understand how the bell works, usually can't steer or stop so they always almost ride into you while screaming "MOVE!". They are also usually Americans so they think they own the city anyway. Generally speaking they also tend to almost hit trams and seem utterly. I don't know how many tourists die while riding bikes every year, but in my imagination every evening an entire boeing leaves Amsterdam airport for the US filled with caskets of those who didn't survive their meeting with a canal. In the past I have threatened abandoning and never speaking to American friends that came to the city wanting to rent a bike ever again and so far it works. Unfortunately I don't know all tourists so the threat has only a limited effect on most bike renters.
I really have no idea why they get on them to begin with, it's not safe and really not that fast plus bikes get stolen a lot. I think the main reasons are the fascists who wrote their tourguides (Are you reading this Rick Steves? I'm talking about you, you bastard!... which reminds me Rick Steves needs to be in that list too) who prefered to stay at their hotel and have sex with our legal prostitutes and smoke our legal drugs than to actually go out and, oh I don't know, do something useful for their readers and figure out the public transportation system (which I should add is fine) or at least explain you can walk around the city center too without any problems (that's all I do, works fine for me too... excluding the rental bikes of course).
But the ones I really blame are the bastards that rent the bikes. If I ever get hit by one of those tourists (and considering I study in the city center every single day of the week that's probably just a matter of time) the first thing I'll do is sue those rental morons for everything they've got. My theory is that after the 2nd world war ended the Dutch Nazi party held a conference on how to get back at the rest of us and bike renting was one of their schemes (together with Baantjer novels and Dutch sitcoms). If we ever get a civil war here and are suddenly allowed to kill people for no particular reason my first stops are MacBike, Rent a Bike and Bike City.
Pet hates? Moi?
Monday, April 04, 2005
Pope'n
"This is CNN. We are waiting for an old frail man, who some believe is the replacement of Christ on earth, to die. He hasn't died yet, but he could die any moment so stick with us here at CNN"
If there's one thing the Pope's Deathathon proved is that 24 hour newsnetworks are completely worthless. When the Vatican announced that the pope was, well, ill-ish on thursday evening all networks (the ones I get are CNN and BBC World but RAI Uno went into full pope-mode too) interrupted all their other breaking news stories and started preparing us for the death of John Paul II. Basically the message was "He's going to die, probably in an hour or so, get a drink while we put our grave faces and voices on and we'll have a good night of mournin'!".
Of course he didn't die, well not at that moment anyway.
The next morning the Vatican announced that the condition of the pope had deteriorated even more. But he didn't die. Then firday evening the Vatican announced he was doing even worse. And still he didn't die. By saturday evening CNN's Jim Clancy was looking at me from my TV with eyes that seemed to say "I know, I know. I promise, he IS going to die tonight even if I have to go to the papal appartment myself and push a pillow against his face".
So he died. The pope probably thought Jim Clancy is just as scary as I think he is (and partisan too, so there!).
When he did finally die I couldn't help but feel a bit weird. The man had almost no meaning to me at all, I'm not a Catholic or even a Christian and I was born in 1984 so the only way I have ever known him was the old guy hanging in his chair or his pope-mobile (seriously they have the entire Catholic church filled with people who could come up with better names and they call it the pope-mobile?). In fact I know I probably should hate him but it seems like a waste of time and energy. The anti-abortion thing never really bothered me because, first I'll never have to directly deal with that anyway and second people should have safe sex anyway if they don't want to get pregnant. The anti-gay thing was annoying for obvious reasons but then again, I don't expect any senile 84 year old extremist-Christian to walk around with a gay pride flag. The only thing I think history will never forgive this pope (and us historians decide that so you can be pretty sure it won't) is the condom issue, especially in Africa.
But at the same time, while watching the footage of a younger pope, traveling from country to country, basically seeing more of the world than the average satelite, I couldn't help but be impressed.
That feeling however was soon replaced with absolute hatred for the news networks showing images of Rome in springtime making me want to be there now and I ended up walking around all day long sunday with a huge case of romesickness.
Damn catholics.
If there's one thing the Pope's Deathathon proved is that 24 hour newsnetworks are completely worthless. When the Vatican announced that the pope was, well, ill-ish on thursday evening all networks (the ones I get are CNN and BBC World but RAI Uno went into full pope-mode too) interrupted all their other breaking news stories and started preparing us for the death of John Paul II. Basically the message was "He's going to die, probably in an hour or so, get a drink while we put our grave faces and voices on and we'll have a good night of mournin'!".
Of course he didn't die, well not at that moment anyway.
The next morning the Vatican announced that the condition of the pope had deteriorated even more. But he didn't die. Then firday evening the Vatican announced he was doing even worse. And still he didn't die. By saturday evening CNN's Jim Clancy was looking at me from my TV with eyes that seemed to say "I know, I know. I promise, he IS going to die tonight even if I have to go to the papal appartment myself and push a pillow against his face".
So he died. The pope probably thought Jim Clancy is just as scary as I think he is (and partisan too, so there!).
When he did finally die I couldn't help but feel a bit weird. The man had almost no meaning to me at all, I'm not a Catholic or even a Christian and I was born in 1984 so the only way I have ever known him was the old guy hanging in his chair or his pope-mobile (seriously they have the entire Catholic church filled with people who could come up with better names and they call it the pope-mobile?). In fact I know I probably should hate him but it seems like a waste of time and energy. The anti-abortion thing never really bothered me because, first I'll never have to directly deal with that anyway and second people should have safe sex anyway if they don't want to get pregnant. The anti-gay thing was annoying for obvious reasons but then again, I don't expect any senile 84 year old extremist-Christian to walk around with a gay pride flag. The only thing I think history will never forgive this pope (and us historians decide that so you can be pretty sure it won't) is the condom issue, especially in Africa.
But at the same time, while watching the footage of a younger pope, traveling from country to country, basically seeing more of the world than the average satelite, I couldn't help but be impressed.
That feeling however was soon replaced with absolute hatred for the news networks showing images of Rome in springtime making me want to be there now and I ended up walking around all day long sunday with a huge case of romesickness.
Damn catholics.
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