Jesus Saves

There's an article on Dutch ceefax this afternoon that announced the publication of the bible in, and I quote, "text language". With text language these people mean the words we (and with we I mean not-me) use in text messages.

Usually I'm quite conservative considering my choice of words and the way to write them, but many of my fellow human beings are not. Seeing that the word 'great' is very long and takes at least 20 seconds to type, it is nowadays spelled as "gr8". You becomes "u", you get the idea. A lot of those shortened terms come from the internet, of course, and I myself am a faithful user of "Lol", "brb", "btw" and other shortened terms, but I generally keep them from papers and applications (as should u.... eh you).

And now people in Friesland (what a surprise) have decided to publish the bible.... as written in text language.

I swear to God I kid you not.

The article even included an example of how the new bible will be like. In the original bible (if you're confused, the original is the one that does not include "lol" anywhere) God introduces himself (AA meeting? blind date? court hearing? inquering minds want to know!) the following: "I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end of everything, says the Lord", a little self obsessed, but clear. The text version, on the other hand, would be something like this: "I = A&O th bgng & th en, sz th alm8y Gd". Granted, it's shorter.

What I don't get is why they would want to make it in the first place. Last time I checked the bible is both long and quite complicated, adding &'s might make it less long but certainly not a whole lot easier to digest. I can perhaps understand where somebody would get the idea (bar, late, too many beers, annoying person-who's-not-quite-as-drunk-as-you saying it can't be done) but generally as soon as the hangover is gone so is the stupid idea.

What I do know is that it's not going to do anything. Nobody is going to read the bible because of this (confused fat high school kid with glasses... maybe, but that's it!). God knows (literary!) how much time, energy, ink and trees have been wasted on this idea. And this made me sad.

But not as sad as reading articles on the famine that will hit Kenya and other African countries in the next few weeks. According to the Kenyan president at least 150 million dollar is needed within the next month but so far hardly any money is coming in. In certain parts of Kenya it hasn't rained in years and if the April rains fail again this year, thousands (if not more) will die of hunger.

I've got an idea, maybe those bible translating morons could send God a text message (oh I'm sorry a txt mssg) it's so short they don't even have to shorten it up:

"Make it rain you f#cking bastard"

EJD

Yesterday was Martin Luther King Day in the United States, a day Americans nowadays spent celebrating or complaining about the position of African Americans in the USA. Since I am neither American by birth, black or currently living in the US I generally forget all about MLK day until I read about it on MSNBC or Slate. When I then do, for the first few seconds I wonder why Americans have a yearly MILK day and how much lobbying dairy producers had to do before they got one, and then I realise I do American history and I've heard of that King fella before.

Eitherhoo, MLK day is important because it helps people (and with people I mean Americans so yes I am stretching the definition a little..... KIDDING!) remember how only decades ago black people were not allowed to use the same water fountains as white people and how now, even though we all love Oprah, most black people still can't get the same level of payment white people get.

While reading another blog (by someone I shall not mention to for reasons similar to those explained in "It's Christmas Time" (see below) ) I was reminded that there is no such day for gay people. Sure, there's World Aids Day but since AIDS is now spreading fastest under heterosexuals that day has pretty much been hijacked (also it doesn't quite scream partay! now does it). Of course there are the different pride festivals throughout the world, but if you do not like running around in your underwear in the rain the fun is fairly limited.

Which is why I'm here to introduce a new day of remembrance: Elton John Day.

Obviously there were other candidates, even dead people which generally adds to the rememberin' we all love so much, but I think that with Elton John Day a combination can be made of everything of gay life;

For starters there's Camp-Elton, the one who used to dress like Mozart or Minnie Mouse and loved Princess Diana. Then there's Bitchy-Elton, the one that calls Madonna a bitch and complains about other people's work. There's Formerly-Straight-Elton, the one that was married to a woman earlier and there's Gay-Rights-Elton the one that recently civil-partnershipped (darnit it is a verb!) his partner. And let's not forget Stop-Aids-Now-Elton.

On top of that: everybody loves at least one Elton song. You may hate Candle in the Wind (and you may be right) but you might love Guess that's why they call it the Blues or Bitch is Back or one of the other nine zillion hits he had.

Down part? We'll also be stuck with Kiki Dee, but we'll survive, one EJD at a time.

Supermarket

Last night I was in the supermarket trying to get some food, as, I suppose, one generally does in supermarkets. I was on my way from the candy section to the juice section (notice how I go from 'stuff that will kill you when you eat it too much' to 'stuff that will only kill your teeth when you drink it too much?) when a woman stepped on the back of my foot.

Obviously this really isn't so dramatic. It happens to all of us occasionally. Also, it wasn't like she wrestled me to the floor, kicked me in the crotch, planted a burning cross in my backpack and called my mother a whore. But, I think I can safely say that we will all agree that in supermarket etiquette stepping on someone is pretty much in the same category as being an active member of the KKK.

And so, when I felt a weird feeling at the end of my leg, I turned around to see what it was. 'It' turned out to be a confused looking girl of about 20, that looked at me in complete distress and then exclaimed: "Yes! It was me! It's not like I did it on purpose!".

She made it sound like I had closed down the store and interviewed every costumer, comparing their footsizes to the grey spot on the bak of my shoe until I finally, after hours of merciless interrogating with light bulbs pointed in peoples faces and threats of abuse of some kind thrown at them, pointed my finger at her and said "It was you! You will pay you evil bitch from hell!". Granted, I considered all of that, but I did not do it!

What was even weirder is that I did not even give the girl my patented 'Oh you are so going to burn in hell' -look. All I did was look surprised and after that I had already started my 'Oh I know you didn't do it on purpose, but thank you for apologizing, God bless ya' smile when I realized.

She.
Did.
Not.
Apologize.

All she did was acknowledge it was her. It's not like I expected her to fall on her knees, kiss my betrap-ped feet and beg for forgiveness (would I have liked it? Sure) but a simple 'sorry' would have been nice.

I guess I could have hated her, but she looked so weird and out of touch (black hair, black make-up, look in her eyes as if someone was going to punch her if she brought home the wrong cereals) that she just confused me.

Et flu Brutus?

I started the new year lying in bed surrounded in bodily flueds and tissues. This could mean I started the new year in a very entertaining way you readers really do not want to have a mental picture of, but unfortunately I had the flu.

I always get the flu at least twice every year, and although I'm hoping that because this time it fell on two years it'll count double I'm doubting it. Flu epedemics are, because I always get it someway or another, extremely fascinating to me: I'm either always getting sick before the big tidal wave of germs reaches the country (which makes me feel special and sorry for spreading it further) or I get sick right around the point the epedemic is over and everybody is already back on their feet (which makes me feel like murdering relatives and friends who had the flu before me). Either way, it sucks.

Being sick used to be fun however. In the olden days (when people still said 'ye', like in ehm... 'ye olden days'?) being sick meant you had to stay home. Staying home meant you did not have to go to school. School, even if you didn't completely despise it, was evil. So the flu was basically a way of getting some extra vacation days. It also meant my mom had to be even nicer to me than she usually is and not complain that my room was always a mess (I have the saddest "Mom, I'm sick" eyes I tell you).

Sure, it included sweating, and coughing, and having slime smeared all over your face and, after a few days, smelling like a corpse. Sure, you missed stuff at school that you would later have to redo faster than everybody else. But all of that was acceptable suffering! My body and the germs made a very simple deal: you guys can play around a little as long as you don't kill me, and I'll relax for a few days. Everybody was happy (perhaps excluding my mom who had to take days off from work, but you know, there's casualties in every war).

Nowadays flu is my enemy. First of all, I don't live at home anymore and for some reason my mom will not bring tea and liquorice to my bed anymore when I have a sore throat (it's only 30 minutes by car, geez). Also, I have to go out and hunt down my own food and then serve it myself too. Sure, the closest supermarket is 2 minutes from my house and I have an oven and a microwave, but come on!

More importantly, I don't have time to be sick! There are papers to write! Books to read! Other people's papers to read! Teachers to email! And even when none of that is happening, there's more fun things to do! Hang out with friends! Go to the movies!

Is there a solution? No.

Is it usefull to complain about it? No.

Am I going to continue boring people with it?

Honestly, have we met?

2005 - a blog post

I know this blog is generally used for long posts in which I ponder those aspects of life I do not understand and discuss the various reasons why the world in general and my life in particular would be better if everybody would just follow my line of thinking instead of their own (or as some people call it, completely missing the subtle beauty of my art, nagging), but for this post I would like to make an exception and pay tribute to the year that was 2005.

You see, 2005 was probably the best year of my life. It's not that all the previous years were miserable, but they just were missing a certain, oh I dunno, kick. Yes, a cocaine addiction can really add so much to your year.

(I joke, obviously...... sniiiiiiff).

However, I must say this past year has been awfully nice. First of all, I met a lot of very nice people, some I link with in so many ways it's scary. Others, not so much but we still get along. Either way, it fascinates me and it really makes me quite happy. Which is always a good thing. Second, I was able to not alienate most of the people I like in general, while ignoring those I like less so. Both of which is also a good thing.

Second, I was able to do quite a lot of travelling. Italy, this summer, bringing together some of my favorite people in the world (excluding Orlando Bloom and Orlando Bloom lookalikes, sadly). The UK with my bestest friend Merel, where we basically just watched TV and commented on slutty English girls (quite fun, try it). And, most recently, Kenya, which really was a huge eye opener in so many ways.

Career wise things are fine too. History is still the best motherfucking study in the world (to paraphrase Leopold von Ranke) and I'm still pretty darn good at it, which is why I'm doing the research master now (banging yourself on the chest and shouting I RULE! is mandatory warm up to our classes these days).

But none of that makes 2005 unique, and there were certainly some downsides to the year that need to be considered. Most of all my granddad passed away which I still believe should have been made illegal and, yes, we are still considering suing God. Second, there were the occasional "fuck it" moments (one of these moments lasted for the entire month of June) and Bruce Springsteen songs were played quite loudly to fight those moments. But surprisingly enough that didn't really influence the way I look at the year. Shit just happens and it's useless to complain about it; you can make a trauma out of everything if you want.

Overall I'm just really happy (aside from the fact that I still have no official plans for New Years Eve that is) with how things are going lately. So, ehm, goodie!

(too bad this post isn't funny though)

My virtual Christmas card

I always tell myself that next year I will do the adult thing and sent actual Christmas cards. But then I forget until it is too late, or I just can't be bothered. Thankfully, there's a virtual solution. Last year my hilarious-virtual-Christmas-card had a Jerry Springer theme ("Ho! Ho! Ho!.... you're a ho yourself, bitch!"). This year, my hilarious-virtual-Christmas-card is going 'War on Christmas':

to my Christian friends:


Merry Christmas!


to my Jewish friends:


Merry Chanukkah!

to my fellow athiests:


Merry Non-Religious Gift Opening And Eating Dead Animals Ceremony !


and to Bill O'Reilly


Fuck You!


and to everybody in general: happy 2006!

Under the bridge

The city government of Amsterdam has decided last year that it wanted to change the way people living in Amsterdam use water. The rules used to be that you payed a certain amount of money each month based on the amount of places in your house that you can use water from. For instance, if you have a big house with three bathrooms you pay more than if you have one. I never quite got the system completely, but overall I think nobody was really bothered by it.

The city government, however, was. We, the people, appareantly were using too much water. They also told us, the people, that we were paying too much per month and that with the new rules we'd probably end up paying less per month. Call me stupid, but if we were paying too much maybe we just weren't using enough water?

Anyhoo, the rules changed and about a month ago I received a letter warning me that a watermeter would be installed in my apartment. The letter explained that the procedure was quite simple but that the water-meter-install-people (which, I believe, is the technical term for their job) needed to be able to get into my home. Also, the letter warned me in a very Martha Stewarty way, that even after the thing was installed I still was not allowed to leave the house because waterpeople (the non technical term) had to check if everything worked after they were done. Also, the letter informed me that during the process the water would be turned off and because of that I should tap water for drinking, cooking and "using your toilet".

Right.

Knowing the efficiency of the Amsterdam civil servants I was already preparing myself mentally for spending days without water, dragging myself through my appartment surrounded by long emptied water bottles and waterpeople telling me they'd probably be done within a year. In fact, they were done within an hour. The installing proces was indeed quick and simple, the water people very qualified and the one installing my water thingie and I spent the 20 minutes he was working in my bathroom humming along to my new Creedence Clearwater Revival cd. The thing worked fine and no problems occured. So all's fine.

..... except that I hate having this thing. It works fine but I can't stand knowing how much water I use. Did you know that flushing the toilet takes 6 litres? SIX! Doing the dishes costs me 3 litres and taking a normal shower 25 to 30. I know I pay per every 1.000 l. but I can't stand knowing how fast I'm moving towards that.

This past week I've told about every single friend I have this story. Most got the clue that this means I expect them not to use my bathroom more than 3 times during their visit. It hasn't gotten so far that I bang on the bathroom door and tell them to quit it, or stop offering drinks after the bathroom break quota has been reached... but I'm considering it, and that's why the water thing is scaring me.

So please, city government: I don't mind paying more and I promise I'll keep my water usage to a minimum but can we please go back to the old system?

It's Christmas time

We're getting to the end of the year again. People are making plans for the holidays, gifts are frantically being bought, people get snowed in, every single couple I know is breaking up, in the Netherlands some old guy with a beard and a bunch of black guys are handing out presents, and all my favorite shops are selling calendars with undressed men and women again.

Before I continue; If you used to read my old blog, you may remember this is an old pet hate of mine. However, I've decided in this post not to refer to before said calendars with the "p word" (no, not pantomime, moron) because people are still entering my old blog, google-ing "p. calendars". Now, my old blog was a slut and she doesn't complain, but this one has some dignity and therefore we shall not mention the p word here (no, not post-traumatic-stress-syndrome, idiot).

Anyhoo. I completely, utterly and totally do not get the point of undressed-people-calendars. It's not like I have a moral problem with them, far from it. It's just that I really do not get them. I shall explain.

The entire point of graphical representations of a person, or several persons, in an undressed state or in certain positions that otherwise would only occur behind closed doors (unless you have a really good sex life, in that case kudos!), is to give the person, or persons, watching it a sexual high. So far, no problem.

The entire point of a calendar is to give a person, or several persons, a sense of time. It is also a tool for these people to plan their lives, remember birthdays and other important occasions such as Christmas and scheduled court dates. These calendars often have pictures of places or persons to liven them up. For instance, Tuscan landscapes, bluessingers or Orlando Bloom. Again, so far no problem.

But why in earths name are they combining the two?? There's no logic! First of all; can you hang one of those calenders up and still not be an official pervert? Material of that kind (I'm getting good at not using the p word.... no, not panepedemic, weirdo) is perfectly normal, but you keep it in the bottom two shelves of your closet. You don't hang it up on the wall somewhere! It's insane!

Second. What's the theory behind it? That you look at one picture for an entire month? As my Spanish homeboys would say; PORQUE? It's one freaking picture, don't you get tired of looking at the same person in the same, most likely quite uncomfortable, position all month? Are you expected to bond with him (or if you're a sick twisted person with a disgusting lifestyle... her)? It's a picture, it doesn't talk back!

Conclusion? If you want to give someone a calendar for Christmas, pick one that has Italy or France or Orlando Bloom on it. If you want to give someone material of a certain graphic kind that George Bush doesn't agree with, buy them a magazine or a dvd. Do not combine the two.

Unless it's Orlando Bloom undressed, than you can ignore everything said above.